20 weeks

Depending on who you ask, 20 weeks has arrived either Friday, Saturday or today. According to the ultrasound I had on Monday (just a regular ol' mid-pregnancy u/s), my revised due date would be May 13 (the due date calculated with my RE is May 16) so everything is looking just perfect and my little one was weighing about 10 oz as of Monday. Two hemispheres in the brain, good midline structure in the brain, complete, healthy skull, four chambered heart, fluid in the belly as swallowing is being practiced, good looking legs and arms etc...

Oh, and the baby is a tiny, healthy baby girl!
She kicked me 6 times in about 2 minutes this morning after a few sips of orange juice and I'm feeling more movement regularly, despite the anterior placenta that we got to see at the u/s too. The doctor measured my cervix and it was nice and long and closed so I'm hoping all continues to go well.

We're definitely getting more and more attached to this pregnancy and baby (okay, so we're completely smitten) and hoping that we're lucky enough to have everything continue to go so well.

Update

Just popping in to say that my husband and counselor have put me on a news & internet diet and my anxiety has shot back down! I'm feeling much better and all seems to be well (no more spotting and it has now been over a week) and plenty of good heart beat checks. I know things can always happen, but I also am trying to be better at realizing that I don't always get to control what happens and when. Oh, the letting go, it is a process!

Thank you for your comments and support, it is greatly appreciated.

I know it has been ages since I posted. I've felt oddly caught between my good fortune and my on-going worries and just haven't figured out how to post what I want to say without sounding like I'm whining or spoiled or something unpleasant.
Today I'm drawn back here because I need the support of this community and hope that writing it down can help ease my fears. Okay, my irrational fears.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, isn't that wonderful? I even had a few weeks where my worrying got much better- from the first week of November until Thanksgiving, I was doing pretty well! On Thanksgiving afternoon I had a bit of blood tinged mucus and have been thrown back into the anxiety pit ever since. I called my doctor that day and she thought it was probably due to over-exertion (I'd been standing and rolling out pie crusts and hosting 14 people for the holiday). It didn't get worse or return and I've been fine ever since. Yesterday I had a prenatal visit and a quick ultrasound and all was well. I've been able to hear the heart beat with my doppler and it's a wonderful, if totally unreal, feeling! However, since Thursday, I've been completely, irrationally terrified that I might have cervical insufficiency or otherwise go into extremely pre-term labor and lose the baby and I don't know how to stop worrying!

My doctor at the visit yesterday said that they'd check my cervical length at my ultrasound at 19 weeks (only 20 days from now!) and that there was no reason to suspect that I had any problem. I know she knows what she's doing, but I'm still not convinced. I'm pretty sure I'm just being irrational and nervous due to my history and extensive knowledge of what can go wrong. Nonetheless, I'm really struggling with how to get this fear under control, so I thought putting it out there might help.

More good news

Yay! I had a great appointment today!
The baby could be seen via transabdominal ultrasound (though we spent some time with the dildocam too and got some great detail). The little one is wiggling up a storm and the heart is beating along happily and steadily. Everything looks perfect.
Thank you so much for your good wishes and thoughts, it is much appreciated.

Nervous

I have an appointment in 2 hours with my nurse-midwife and I've been nervous off and on for several days. Last week I felt so calm and excited, but somehow over the weekend the anxiety crept back in and I haven't been able to shake it.
I'm so thankful that we've made it this far. We've seen a healthy little one on the ultrasounds that we've had so far, that's wonderful!
Still, I'm scared that our luck might suddenly change. It sometimes does. I really, really hope that everything is still okay. Please send any good thoughts you have to spare my way.

Mini-Marshmallows

This morning I stopped for a hot chocolate on my way to work. Perhaps not the healthiest beverage, I do love the cheap, hot-chocolate-in-a-machine-hot chocolate (though I like the fancier stuff too!) and today it was even better because there was a little container sitting near the machine full of mini-marshmallows!
I was delighted and surprised to find these little tiny reminders of childhood and winter days sitting there on the counter for the taking. I sprinkled them on my hot chocolate and spent the morning with a smile on my face. Sometimes it really is the little things.

Pregnancy update

I'm 10 weeks, 3 days today and feeling great. Yesterday I had my final ultrasound with the RE and everything looked wonderful- in fact, yesterday the baby was measuring at 10 weeks 3 days already which made me very happy. Hank and I got to see it wiggle and move the little hands and feet and were both in absolute giddy awe.
Next week I'll go in for my next prenatal visit. We're feeling really positive about all of this and hopeful that things will continue to go so well. I'm finding it a little bit hard to believe, especially because I continue to feel pretty normal. I am still getting up at night to pee 2-3 times and am wearing the bella band over my pants (which button, but barely so I opted not to bother).

I have so much to say and there's lots I've been thinking about with regards to this blog and to the blogging community. I'm not sure I'll be able to articulate it properly today, but the infertilty & loss blogging community is full of such incredibly supportive, caring, smart and funny people. I feel so attached to it in many, many ways. However, as I'm moving into a new stage of my life, while certainly not leaving my experiences of loss and infertility behind, leaves me pondering how I will use this space and how I can offer support and receive support from people going through so many different experiences.
At times, the sadness of the stories I've read in the blogosphere has overwhelmed me and in the past months I've realized that I have to limit my exposure somewhat or else the sad stories begin to encroach on my mind and send me to very dark places and I know for my own mental and physical health that I have to distance myself a little. That's really, really hard because I don't want to distance myself from all of you very real people and your stories. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I will try to be there as much as I can for all of you who I value so much and that I hope you know that I'm deeply grateful for the support I've received from you over the course of this very difficult year.

MeMe

Over The Top
I was tagged a while ago by BabyHungry (go give her a big hug, she could use one), and it's taken me forever to get to it, but it is a fun distraction!

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Your hair? messy
3. Your mother? wonderful
4. Your father? kind
5. Your favorite food? cheese
6. Your dream last night? weird
7. Your favorite drink? water
8. Your dream/goal? healthy
9. What room are you in? hotel
10. Your hobby? blogs
11. Your fear? Miscarriage
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
13. Where were you last night? hotel
14. Something that you aren’t? skinny
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. Wish list item? Baby
17. Where did you grow up? newengland
18. Last thing you did? dinner
19. What are you wearing? bathrobe
20. Your TV? hgtv
21. Your pets? old
22. Friends? great
23. Your life? busy
24. Your mood? okay
25. Missing someone? husband
26. Vehicle? subaru
27. Something you’re not wearing? bra
28. Your favorite store? grocery
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? earlier
31. Last time you cried? yesterday
32. Your best friend? several!
33. One place that I go to over and over? work
34. One person who emails me regularly? students
35. Favorite place to eat? many

I'm not up for tagging right now, but if you'd like to do this meme, please feel free!

What else? Pregnancy mentioned.

I didn't mean to disappear. It's been a busy few weeks and lately I've been caught up with work and now I'm on the other side of the country for business travel.
For a good week or so I didn't write anything because all I could think about and write about what how nervous and worried and anxious I was feeling, how unsure I was that things might really be okay. I'm still not sure, of course, how can anyone be sure? However, I am feeling much better, largely because of my great appointment with my nurse-midwife on Wednesday. I didn't know if she'd be able to reassure me at all, but not only did her presence & great listening skills help, but she was already planning to do an ultrasound so I got to see the good strong heartbeat again and see that the little tiny embryo had grown over the week since we'd seen the little one last. Everything was looking really good and the midwife said she puts my risk of miscarriage at 2%- it literally doesn't get any better than that!

She also told me I wasn't allowed to worry about this, but I am a little anyway (but really, I feel SO much less worried). The embryo had grown over the 7 days since the last scan, but it measured only 6.4 mm larger than the last week. All the things I read say that embryos should grown 1 mm a day, which would put my little embryo a tiny bit smaller than it should be (less than a mm, but still, nervous me). I knew that if anyone would understand this worry you all would. Is it crazy to worry over a millimeter? Perhaps. Nonetheless, anyone feel like reassuring me on that front?

Aside from that, I'm going to be super busy all week with work and then when I get back early next week I'll have my RE appointment at which point I'll hope to be done with that office for a good long while (they're fantastic, don't get me wrong, but I'll be okay being done, I sure hope I am!) and we'll get to see what's going on inside again!

Pregnancy metioned, 7 weeks 3 days

The news is good! So good!
Heartbeat was 163 and the little embryo is completely average sized and growing perfectly from what the doctor could tell. He printed out some fantastic little grainy pictures for us and is going to have us come back one more time, but I should also go ahead and make an OB appointment, at least that's what I got from our conversation.
When I asked he said the risk of miscarriage at this point was 'definitely under 10% and probably under 5%'- not bad, right? Not perfect, but then again when is risk ever at 0%?
We're absolutely thrilled.

I'm leaving now for my ultrasound.
Nervous, but hopeful. Oh, I really, really hope that things are going well and we get to leave the office in good spirits with a healthy embryo tucked safely inside.
Please send good thoughts, it helps to know you're out there.

What weekend?

My business trip started Wednesday afternoon at the end of the work day and the business part will end tomorrow around 5pm. Then it is back to work on Tuesday (I'll have Monday to spend with my mom and grandpa and to fly home). Working straight thru the weekend is tough and my days have been long. However, there are two excellent upsides: I barely have time to worry and I get to meet really interesting people.
I'll also appreciate next weekend all that much more since it will be my only one until the end of October!

Boob Watch Fall 2009 continues: Definitely sore again, though it does come and go a bit. Still fuller and a bit denser and nipple tenderness continues to be present, though not as badly as it was initially (which is really good, cause that HURT!).
Again, who knows... but I do hope.

Traveling

It's been a very, very long day so you'll have to forgive me for my slacker participation in ICLW. I'll be back in full force tomorrow!
After flying into San Francisco I had a white knuckled drive up to Marin County due to the dark, my crappy directions and a rental car that probably will live on in memory as the worst rental car I've experienced in 4+ years of business travel. It has no power door locks and no power windows and it smells like a chemical factory (I think it is just cleaning product, but EWWW! I drove with the window rolled down so I wouldn't be poisoned).
At least today I've been distracted and therefore not as worried. I know there's nothing I can do either way and I know the chances are good that everything's fine. Many of you reminded me that the worry comes with the territory and that's absolutely right. I'm just going to have to deal with it as best I can- sometimes that might be freaking out and asking the internet for help, but hopefully most of the time that will mean taking care of myself and listening to good music, reading good books and enjoying all the good things in life. One day at a time.

Boob Watch Fall 2009: While they were less tender yesterday they were still achy during the night last night and still feel fuller (and veiny!). Today they were off & on tender with slightly more nipple soreness than yesterday. Right now they just feel a little bit fuller than usual. I guess that means the symptoms haven't 'vanished', but it probably also means 'oh right, I'm on progesterone supplements!'. Who knows, just another great mystery of life, I guess.

Still worried

I don't know if I just have an overactive imagination or if I'm experiencing doctor appointment/reassurance withdrawal, but I'm having one of those nervous days today.
We had a great appointment on Friday and things definitely looked good. Today though, I am worried. My breasts aren't so sore today. They were sore and achy overnight, but once getting up this morning I haven't noticed much (and believe me, I've been checking). I thought my symptoms would be increasing here in week 6, but aside from a little breakout, not so much. Am I anxious because I have reason to be or because I'm getting ready to go on a trip and I'm generally concerned about my luck with regard to pregnancy?
Either way, today isn't feeling fun.

ICLW

Welcome ICLWers! I had a great time during my last round of participation in ICLW and made some new friends and found some great new blogs. I hope this is another week of fun!

A tiny bit about me- currently 6 weeks pregnant after a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy earlier this year and therefore constantly concerned that this pregnancy might not last. It's going pretty well so far, but I'm pretty good at worrying anyway. My husband, who I call Hank for the purposes of this blog, is a darling man and a computer geek. We live in the Northwest and love it here, especially this time of year! We both work too much, but like to take vacations and enjoy spending time at home or in our neighborhood with our dogs and friends.

Ultrasound

The ultrasound was scheduled for 2:15 this afternoon, but they didn't even take me back until 2:20 or so. I was not a patient patient... Finally, the doctor joined us at 2:40ish and it was time for another encounter with the dildocam.

Today, finally, was the ultrasound we've been wishing for over the past months.
Today we saw a tiny little embryo (& a teeny tiny little flicker) nestled inside a healthy gestational sac, implanted in just the right spot. The doctor told us he thinks everything looks good and that this will be a good pregnancy for us. I certainly hope he is right!
Today is a good day. Thank you for helping me get here.

The next ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday, September 29 and, if all continues to go well, I'll be 7+ weeks along by then. Next on my agenda? Chilling out for a bit, enjoying the moment and getting some flu shots.

Waiting

We've made it to now, a little over 24 hours before the first ultrasound, for that I am so thankful.
I'm hoping and wishing and praying for good results. I know it is still so early we might not be able to see much, but perhaps just maybe we'll be able to see a tiny little heartbeat. I do feel lucky to have even made it this far.

Thank you for waiting with me, for hoping with me and for sending good thoughts this way.

pregnancy mentioned again...

I rescheduled the ultrasound for Friday.
This means that if we get good news (and there's every reason to think we will!) we have all weekend to celebrate!
It also means that if the results aren't so great we'll have some time to figure out what happens next. There isn't really a question of me re-scheduling the business trip, but my experience with a miscarriage on a business trip last spring was so difficult both physically and emotionally that I really want to avoid that scenario if at all possible. Hopefully there will be no reason to worry about that, but if there is we'll have some time to make a plan. There seemed to be concern about me 'planning life around ttc' and I'm not quite sure what y'all meant... I'm not 'trying' right now, just hoping that I don't have to go through a miscarriage in a hotel room far from my support system (and ideally not at all), which seems pretty practical to me!

Aside from wishing I had some more symptoms, the week is going well. It's also tough to tell what is brought on by my body and what's just a result of the progesterone supplementation. I'm feeling optimistic and hopeful despite trying to prepare myself in case it doesn't work out- that's how I cope with things, always feeling better if I know how I'll get through it if bad things happen.

Ultrasound in 3 days!

Pregnancy Mentioned/ 5w3d

Wow! I made LFCA!
It was a good, mellow weekend. We worked on house projects and grocery shopped and watched a couple of movies. The weather was gorgeous and the dogs got some nice walks out of it.

After Friday's good beta I managed to stay pretty calm and stress-free most of the weekend. There were ups and downs, I'm always finding ways of worrying that my breasts aren't as sore as they were the day before etc... but mostly I was fine. I'm not having morning sickness so far, though I did have a bout of dizziness this morning and I absolutely couldn't eat the banana I brought along for breakfast in the car. It's hard to tell how much of it is mental though.

The ultrasound is currently scheduled for Monday, September 21st. I will be 6 weeks 3 days. If all goes well (and there's no reason it won't, but still, Grade-A-Worrywort over here!) we'll see a heartbeat and I'll be over the moon thrilled. One of my big concerns is the timing, I leave on a business trip on the 23rd and if there's one thing I'm terrified of after my last experience, it is having a miscarriage on a business trip. I hope everything looks wonderful at the ultrasound, but if it doesn't there isn't much time to deal with it before I have to leave.
What would you do?

Post-Freak Out

I decided to take action and stop my freak-out before it started.
Now, I don't know if this will cure me, I seriously doubt it, but it was definitely smart to get checked for my own peace of mind.
I called the doctor and went in for a 4th beta today because I was feeling so nervous about it. I know, I need to relax, but I haven't quite gotten there yet.
Today's beta was 1,919. Doubling time was 41.5 hours (averages for numbers in the range I'm in now and the one I was in on Tuesday are: 40.47 & 42.34).
This is definitely reassuring, though I'm not ruling out getting nervous again.
I can't promise anything, but I do know that having solid numbers at this point (the point at which things started going badly last time), feels good today.

Anxious

I can't seem to settle down this evening. I'm definitely tired, but also all keyed up.
It started mid-morning with feeling anxious and it's ebbed and flowed a bit, but even though I almost fell asleep while watching a movie, I haven't been able to fall asleep yet in my bed- which is completely unlike every other night this week when I've been zonked out by 10:45.

I can't decide if my body is freaked out because my mind is freaked out or if there's really something wrong. I want so much for this pregnancy to flourish and be healthy and continue to full term...

Results Are In!

The news continues to be good.
Today's beta was a tiny bit lower than I was imagining, but still above average.
Beta: 531.7 (17 dpo)
Doubling time: 38.86 hours (It was 147.8 on Saturday at 8:15am and 531.7 today at 7:45am)
Average doubling time for betas in the 147 range: 38.43 hours
Average doubling time for betas in the 531 range: 40.47 hours
That makes me more comfortable seeing that mine falls right between.
I'll continue with progesterone supplementation and my prescription is ready to pick up this afternoon so I don't even have to worry about that!!
Thanks for all your comments of support and special thanks to Baby Hungry this morning for the reminder to enjoy it, I really needed that!

Count down to ultrasound: 12 days
Still feeling cautiously optimistic because, of course, last time my betas were fine until they weren't. However, I am going to enjoy it as much as I can.

Waiting

And now the wait begins for today.
I got my blood drawn just before 8am.
They will get back to me by the end of the day.
I'm hoping for a beta above 570, but anything over 550 would probably be fine.
Thank you for your good thoughts, keep them coming!

Knowledge is Power?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much the IF community knows about what could go wrong. There is so much that could go wrong and even though I knew some of that in theory, I don't think it really hit me until my chemical pregnancy last winter. The day I got the positive test I thought my struggles were over! Two days later my grief was literally pouring out of me as I sobbed for hours.

But now. Now I know that all kinds of things can happen. Babies born too early, miscarriages, babies with problems, pregnant women who are in accidents, who have serious non-pregnancy related medical problems, babies born right on time, but born without taking a breath. Heartbeats heard at one ultrasound and then nothing at the next. All this can and does happen. And it happens to all kinds of families on every continent.

Somehow, though, we find a way to hope even amidst such knowledge. My hope is certainly alive, even though I know that good betas don't mean I'm in the clear and that it is still two full weeks til the first ultrasound and everything can change in that time. The human spirit is really quite tremendous. Last fall as I struggled through the reality of losing my tube and having not conceived in our first 6 months of trying I was as depressed as I've ever been. I felt like a failure, a disaster. I hated that I wasn't managing my struggles with the kind of grace I thought I should and that I thought would be more flattering. I don't know if I've developed grace over the last year or not, but I don't care quite so much. It is okay to feel sad and destroyed. However, the important part is that each day you get back up and do the best you can. The blogging IF community is full of such incredible examples of women doing just that, even if it doesn't always feel that way.

Beta #2

We've made it to now. Crazy, isn't it, how time just slows down when you really want it to speed up? The 44 minutes between 10am when I started expecting a call any minute and 10:44 when the call arrived felt like three hours. I finished breakfast, I cleaned up breakfast, I read an essay, I chatted with two friends online, I washed the tray in the bottom of our toaster oven, I read two blogs about spending less money, I re-freshed my twitter page...

Beta went from 59 to 147.8 in 34.93 hours which is slightly faster than the median doubling time on betabase.info (which is 35.51). It's still so, so early. At 14 dpo most 'normals' still don't even know they're pregnant.

They had to stick me in both arms to get blood this morning. I guess the vein they've used the other 23859 times this year finally had enough. I'm not complaining though! I'm trying to remain cautious, but feeling good for now.

Thank you for your kind words and support. Thank you so much for understanding the nerves and the waiting and being so kind while continuing to bear your own burdens. Please keep me company as we try to get to Tuesday and then to September 21st and many happy results. If your fingers haven't stiffened from keeping them crossed I'd love to have you keep them crossed a little bit longer!

Early Days

I was so, so sad on Sunday and it continued into Monday.
However, I had apparently not lost all hope because I woke up on Tuesday morning and decided to take a pregnancy test.


It was positive.

So was the test the next day and then the beta yesterday at the doctor's office as well. As you know, I have a TERRIBLE track record in this area, so we are trying very hard to maintain a level of cautious optimism. I'll have another test tomorrow and then a final beta on Tuesday assuming all goes according to plan. After that, if things continue well, the ultrasound is scheduled for September 21. I'm on progesterone supplements and hoping that it does the trick. If you have any fingers to cross for us it would be much appreciated.

Progesterone

I had my 7 dpo progesterone test this morning to check on my ovulation and whether Clomid is helping to 'strengthen' it. Apparently not so much. It was 9.6 today. Back in July, without any meds at all, it was 8.4. The doctor said that it is fine (really? the internet says it should be over 15 in a medicated cycle!), but that I could supplement with progesterone if it made me feel better.

Definitely feeling sad & disappointed & so frustrated.

Magic Eight Ball

Have any of you ever found yourselves in desperation looking for the old Magic Eight Ball you had back in middle school? The one you would ask if Timmy liked you or if Janie stuffed her bra?

Yesterday, I read a post over at 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility (if you're not reading that blog yet I highly recommend it, she's very funny and we all need laughs!). Sometimes Dr. Google comes through for us, but sometimes the good Dr. can't come up with anything that makes us feel better. That is when you have to ask the Magic Eight Ball. I've resorted to the online version since the one that my brother and I used to play with either got lost in a move or is in a closet somewhere at my grandparents' house.

Happy Saturday morning! I'm off to yoga and then to rally for health care reform.

Dreams

The last two nights I've found myself waking up from bad dreams around 5 in the morning. Yesterday's left me shaken for a few hours. I'd dreamed that I was helping kids on a ropes course and in the middle securing a girl in a harness something popped and I miscarried (though apparently I miscarried a tiny dinosaur, dreams are weird). I hadn't been aware of being pregnant before in the dream (and so far I'm not aware of it in reality either). It was unsettling, but based on the dream I had this morning, I think it is more about my general anxiety and worry than it is of any predictive value.
What kinds of dreams have you been having lately?

I'm looking forward to the weekend, it has been a long and busy week!

Still in the 2ww

I'm keeping pretty busy with work, family, yoga and ICLW. So far, however, I have definitely found myself visiting ttc websites and thinking that perhaps I was a little bit hungrier than usual, or sleepier. My face started breaking out on Monday morning after almost three weeks of nearly perfect skin, so we can assume that's hormonal, but there's no real meaning beyond that.

As summer comes to a close and autumn and winter days are just around the corner it is time to dust off my baking skills and think about cooking too. This summer I've been a lazy cook. We've grilled or had salads or pasta or homemade pizza with an occasional stir fry thrown in whenever we've been home since the end of June! I want to try some new things and learn new cooking skills in the next few months. Any favorite recipes or menu planning ideas you care to share?

We plan a menu for the week and shop off of that, but I'm feeling a little bored with our standard go-to meals.

2 week wait

Since we've been on a break since the miscarriage in late April, I haven't been through a two week wait since back in the spring. I've definitely ovulated (thanks to the OPK and the crazy mittelschmerz I've been getting) so that puts us back in the two week wait. With my short-ish luteal phase in the past, my two week waits have really been ten or eleven day waits, but this time I'm hoping that it will be two full weeks because the Clomid was supposed to strengthen ovulation and therefore extend the luteal phase. On the downside, I'll have a lot of waiting to do!

What will I do during the 2ww?
Lots of work things- there are several required after work activities to keep me busy this week. I'll definitely be doing some yoga as well. At least one birthday party is on my schedule. I will also be trying to stay away from googling my pregnancy symptoms and stalking message boards. Good thing I have ICLW to help me find interesting parts of the internet rather than obsessing over Dr. Google!
What are your favorite 2ww activities/distractions?

Update

Just got back from the doctor and am starting to think that today is my lucky day!
-TWO follies on the right!
-Nicely sized too, there's a good chance I'll ovulate TWO this cycle- they're 16.64mm and 15.5mm!
-The follies on the left aren't there any more. Kinda weird, but apparently totally normal.
-Lining is great, healthy & happy over 9mm (I think 9.9?).
-If I don't get a positive LH surge tomorrow or Sunday morning they'll have me take Ovidrel to induce ovulation. My guess is that now that the follies are growing normally and are a good size ovulation will happen on its own, but we shall see.

If you have any extra fingers to cross for us I would greatly appreciate it!

Welcome ICLWers!

It's great to be back for another round of ICLW and I'm excited to meet you and learn about your stories this week.

Here's a little about me and what's going on right now:
-I'm in my first Clomid cycle to strengthen ovulation and increase my chances of conceiving with just one Fallopian tube.
-I'll have my tenth or eleventh ultrasound in a year this afternoon when I go in for my second mid-cycle follicle check.
-I worry too much.
-Today is Friday and that's wonderful news.
-I'm enjoying some hot chocolate because it has gone from 100 degrees to barely 70 and therefore feels like winter.
-Tomorrow we're going to a friend's birthday party. Any great gift suggestions for a 31 year old guy who loves to ride his bike, drink beer and cares about the environment and gardening?

After Monday's quasi-meltdown, I spent some time gaining perspective.
On Monday evening I went to a yoga class.
On Tuesday afternoon I took myself to an acupuncture session for the first time since the week before the miscarriage back in April.
And of course, yesterday I finally worked up the nerve to call the doctor's office and ask some questions. I'm generally a little shy about the telephone when making personal calls- I have no problem with work phone calls, but when I have to make calls for myself, especially if they're of a personal nature I get really nervous.
The nurse was fantastic. She answered both my reasonable questions (Is there anything else that can be done this cycle to improve my chances?) and my outrageous questions (Should I worry about premature ovarian failure?). The answer to both of those questions is no.
She also reminded me that the difference in follicle size at day 11 was only a millimeter on the left & right and anything could happen at this point. She said that the response of my ovaries was totally average (sure, I'd prefer to be an over-achiever, but I don't want to have a high risk triplet pregnancy or end up with OHSS either). I know I let my imagination run away from me and it *has* been a really long road, but I'm a very, very long way from hopeless and a little perspective is really important. For now, at least, I've got a bit more (okay, maybe the caramel latte yesterday morning helped too).

Day 11, later

I spent a good part of the day feeling upset and frustrated.
However, the doctor didn't seem super worried this morning. As my husband will probably remind me later, he said 'it all looks very normal'... And maybe it is... It is only day 11, the follicles have several more days until ovulation is even expected. They grow about 1-2mm per day, that could have them at 16-18mm by Thursday (which would only be CD 14 and I have ovulated later than that before). The fact that there's only one on the right is a definite bummer, but it isn't impossible for a egg from one ovary to be grabbed by the opposite Fallopian tube (in fact, I think that happened the last time I got pregnant).

The difficulty, not surprisingly, is that my heart has been set on getting pregnant and having a baby for a very long time and we've been running into roadblocks from the beginning. After all, the month we'd decided to start trying I ended up in the ER with a very, very painful ovarian cyst and believe it or not, things went downhill from there! It's not crazy for me to think that there's going to be a problem around every corner- that's pretty much what's happened. What I have to remember is that sometimes the internet is wrong or overwrought and eventually there will not be a problem or a roadblock around every corner. Just like in all parts of life, sometimes the road is bumpy and full of traps and other times the path ahead opens up and the danger disappears and it's smooth sailing and pretty blue skies for miles. I could really use some open road.

Day 11

This morning was another delightful encounter with vaginal ultrasound technology. I think I've stopped counting how many ultrasounds I've had in the last year and a half.
Today's was to check on my follicles. The good news is that I have several. The bad news is that they're sort of small. On my right side, the one with the Fallopian tube, I have one 10mm follicle. The left side has several (at least three) between 8.5 and 11.5mm. Unfortunately, those three on the left side aren't going to do much good with no Fallopian tube. I also get the sense that perhaps this is a bit of under-performance on 100 mg of Clomid, but the doctor said it looked very normal, though a bit small if I was going to have a 26 day cycle (mine vary a bit, generally between 26 and 28 days), so perhaps this will be a bit of a longer cycle.

I feel really let down. At first I was fine, but as the morning goes on I just feel disappointed and freaked out that this is never going to work.

Working for the Weekend

The scenery was breath-taking and once you got your breath back the lavender literally floated through the air. On a dreary, grey Friday afternoon I definitely let visions of Provence and the beautiful sunshine dance through my mind!


This chocolate lava cake was absolutely amazing. The French definitely know how to make dessert. They know a few things about wine and cheese as well according to my ever-expanding ass.... Fortunately I found my way to two yoga classes this week and have plans for another tomorrow. Now for some swimming or biking to kick it up a notch!

Search terms

Well, I'm feeling more and more like a real blogger, there are even people finding this little blog via somewhat odd and perhaps creepy search terms.
I just now discovered that somewhere on the internet someone was searching using:
"between leg videos tube+doctor adventure"
Somehow I do not think they were thinking of bicycle tire tubes, but maybe?

Clomid

I started Clomid on Sunday, so I only have one more dose to take this cycle.
So far there haven't been any side effects, but I hear the real fun can come later in the form of crazy-inducing levels of PMS, so we have that to look forward to.
I'm cautiously optimistic and still feeling mostly ready to be trying again. Sunday was rough just contemplating it all, but now that we're moving forward I'm feeling pretty excited and hopeful, while still fairly relaxed. This is definitely one of those times when I wish I had a crystal ball!

Pictures of the fabulous vacation are coming, but I've been away from the computer a lot this week with various other activities (yoga, house-cleaning, a great evening with friends) so it might be a little while. We're settled back into life in the US, but we certainly have some fantastic memories.

One Lovely Blog Award

Wow! bustedtube was given a Lovely Blog Award by Kim at Our Infertility Journey.
The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I'm not sure I can come up with 15, but there are some very, very lovely blogs out there, so here's what I have recently (well, semi-recently) discovered:
Life Induces Thoughts, Mostly Random
Michelle at My Life after Loss
The hilarious 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility
Semi-Fertile
I know she's already got the award, but I'd also award Kim with the Lovely Blog Award.

Well, I'll be starting Clomid sooner than I thought.
I went in this afternoon for my baseline ultrasound and will start Clomid on Sunday for 5 days. I'll have a follow-up ultrasound mid-cycle to make sure nothing funny is going on and then we'll see if it works. I'm excited and nervous, though right now I'm mostly just really sleepy because it has been a very long day of work!

How do I balance the desire to be positive and optimistic with the reality that I keep getting bad news? This is a brand new cycle and for the first time we're trying with assistance from a medication, but after experiencing two miscarriages it is very difficult to feel comfortable being positive and optimistic. We've learned a lot and my doctors are helping us treat problems so that the outcome might be better, but there's just so much that could go wrong- and so much that could go right- I'm sort of all over the map, I guess.

I'm back! I'm sure a longer post will emerge in the next few days, but so far I've been dealing with jet-lag and trying to get back into the swing of things for a few super busy days of work.
We had a marvelous vacation, full of sun and delicious food and wine and friends. I actually feel ready to tackle the next step in building our family, for a while I was afraid I'd never get to a relaxed, ready state, but here I am! Sometime next week it'll be Clomid time...

The plan, as it stands, is to continue our TTC break this cycle (easier to enjoy the wines of France!) and then try with Clomid next cycle. Hank is totally supportive and happy that IUI is not part of the suggested treatment plan at this point. I'm still waiting to hear back from the alternative doctor I emailed, but there's plenty of time to get that feedback before getting a Clomid prescription.

It was a lovely weekend and we're down to just a few days until departure for France! I was afraid France was going to be mega-hot this time of year, but since we seem to be having a massive heatwave right now, it sounds practically chilly over there!

Answers

Finally got brave enough to call my doctor's office during my work day. They're only open from 8am-4pm so it is difficult for me to talk to them (and they close from noon-1pm) with any modicum of privacy, but most of my coworkers are on vacation this week.

I talked to a nice nurse (even though she asked if I was pregnant and thus revealed that she hadn't read my file despite having it in front of her) and she gave me the test results from my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) level- my TSH has gone down nearly a whole point! It was over 3.2 and now it is 2.38! That's really good news! My medication will stay the same then and we'll hope it goes down just a bit more (under 2 is best). I asked her about the borderline progesterone test and she agreed that it was concerning that it was under 10 and said she thought checking with the doctor would be good. His suggestion (they called me back within 45 minutes) is that I should try Clomid next cycle to strengthen my ovulation and increase my progesterone level to help support a pregnancy.

Next up I'll need to talk to my husband (let's call him Hank). Hank and I will chat tonight and see what we think. Before the doctor had suggested Clomid with IUI and we weren't too excited about that, but just the medication seems like a good solution, especially if it does the trick!

While I'm still a bit worried that I'll just keep learning that new things are wrong with me (current fear: premature ovarian failure, basis for concern: nada, zip, zilch), I'm really excited to get some solid information and a plan for moving forward!

One week

Only a week to go until our vacation in Europe!

Today was pleasant with lovely weather, a nice evening spent at home with the husband and the dogs and I even hauled my tired post-work self to a nice yoga class.

The only downside is that I've been noticing a sense of anxiety creeping in. I'm worried about one of our dogs because his legs seem to be giving him trouble, he's ten and aging and it just breaks my heart to think that he's in pain. He struggled so much coming down the stairs this morning that we're not going to let him come up and sleep with us tonight to encourage him to rest and heal. He has an appointment with the vet on Saturday, so hopefully we'll be able to do something for him and feel more comfortable leaving him here while we're gone for vacation.

With that anxiety I've also noticed my anxiety about our reproductive plans creeping back up. We were thinking of giving it a try again this cycle, but are now reconsidering due to timing, but also because I'm really struggling with what the future holds. I'm still sorting through my thoughts.

Worries

There's always something to worry about, isn't there?
Today I'm concerned that I might have a luteal phase defect after all.
The funny thing about this is that last summer when I was stressing out about not being able to conceive I was convinced a luteal phase defect was the primary problem. Little did I realize that it was a Fallopian tube issue and no amount of Vitamin B6 was going to fix that problem- only surgery would help create a less toxic and blocked environment.

Now, however, with the slightly low progesterone test and it looking like this next cycle is going to start slightly earlier than expected, there's a good chance that some B6 and/or some progesterone supplementation might be just what I need. I hope I'll be able to ask the nurse this week when she calls with my TSH level- as long as they call when I'm near my phone!

I travel a lot in the fall. I'll be out of town for most of the second half of September and two long weekends in October. Any thoughts on traveling during TTC and/or early pregnancy? If the best thing to do is wait that'll mean late October/early November before we try and that seems like a really, really long time from now!

Vacationland

I've taken a few days off throughout the summer to just hang out and they are really lovely days! Today I'll be getting my international driving permit and spending some time with a friend and her 10 month old.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my alternative healthcare provider and she explained that what I experienced on Wednesday during my visit to the doctor's for a blood draw was probably shock and she gave me a remedy for that. Just having that remedy and the acknowledgment from her makes me feel more prepared and a little stronger for the next time that happens.

Rough Day

This morning on the way to work I felt content, I enjoyed an excellent cup of coffee from a great local roaster and I thought "this, this is really good, I'm enjoying the moment and the delicious coffee, life is good".

I had an appointment at the infertility clinic to have my progesterone level tested over my lunch hour. It had been a long time since I was there, probably early May when I had the final beta hcg done to confirm my miscarriage- when my TSH level was tested last month they sent me to the hospital lab- and being in the building, in the office again was harder than I'd expected. The receptionist has been nice to me for the last few months, especially after I almost lost it in the office back in March when a consultation appointment got canceled after we waited for 30 minutes, she always remembers my name. She was just as nice as ever today, but today I realized for the first time that she is pregnant. That's right, the first person you see when you walk into the infertility clinic is an 8 months pregnant receptionist. How's that for a sick joke? It threw me off my balance and reminded me of what my previous visits to the clinic had felt like: excitement when getting betas done, nerves always, sometimes fear, shock and numbness when it was really over. I sat and reeled in the waiting room. I had my blood drawn and it turned out they were doing a TSH test again which is great, it'll be good to know whether the medicine is working. The nurse told me I'd hear about the progesterone by the end of the day, but it would be next week for the TSH.

I walked back to my car, got in and immediately began to cry. I hadn't expected this routine visit to the clinic for a blood draw to be so hard.
I went back to work, dabbing at my eyes on the drive and getting fast-food at a drive-thru since I was late, but a cloud had descended on my day. I felt trapped and sad. The clinic called with my results right around 3pm and apparently my progesterone level is normal for a non-pregnant woman (8.4), but the research I've done indicates that's slightly on the low side (one website says that they ideally want to see 10 or above), so I feel less than reassured. At a time when I'm practically ready to sign up with a palm reader just to get some reassurance this didn't really help.

As promising as my day started, it isn't feeling so great right now. My parents are out of town so I can't call my mom for support, very few friends know what's going on and my husband doesn't really know what to do to help me. I'm taking myself to yoga in a little over an hour and I'm sure that will help. One step at a time.

I did have a stroke of luck this afternoon though! When I arrived home and checked the mail I found my awesome pair of fertility socks! The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I plan to donate some socks this very evening to keep the good karma going. My socks are lovely and covered with happy polka dots!

More yoga

Lately I feel like a new person. I remember the sad, stressed, grief-filled days of May and June and I still clearly remember the fear and anxiety and pain surrounding the miscarriage, but my mental and emotional state is so vastly improved it almost seems that the depressed, tense creature of recent weeks wasn't even me. It also helps that my in-laws have been gone for two weeks now and we've had a chance to get back to regular life, finally. However, I give my new yoga classes a huge part of the credit. I might sound like an infomercial, but it seems that yoga has changed (at least a few aspects of) my life. I've gone to 12 classes in the last 22 days, which works out to about a class every other day (though in reality I've skipped a couple days and then gone several days in a row) and the feeling of well-being and balance are really impressive so far. Unfortunately, I haven't yet lost 20 pounds, but I certainly feel lots better and perhaps long-term I'll also see some movement on the scale. You know, as if I ever got on a damn scale.

Tomorrow's my progesterone test. After which point we'll have all the information we're going to get before we decide when to start ttc again.

Lately I've been feeling in good balance. Sure, things throw me off now and then- learning of a new baby I wasn't aware of, getting an invitation to join my health insurance's 'healthy pregnancy program' (if that's not a slap in the face I don't know what is!), but generally I'm just feeling more well, more grounded. It has to do with having the house back and going to yoga and eating better and sunny, beautiful weather.

I love the community created in the blogosphere by ALI bloggers and reading those blogs has been really helpful to me, the support is great, having people who get it is priceless. However, the sadness out there can sometimes be absolutely overwhelming. How is it possible that some people have to suffer through 6 miscarriages or a stillbirth or loss of a small child or years and year and years of treatment without result?
Intellectually, I know the world is unfair, but never has that unfairness been brought home to me in quite this way. Even more terrible in some ways than illness, infertility has an impact on so many lives, but so many more never have to give a second thought to it- unplanned pregnancies result in healthy children all the time! Infertility is also often a private grief, something that you are less likely to have a community rally around- as people prepare meals for cancer patients or new mothers, rarely does that happen for families going through a miscarriage or a battery of IF testing.
Cancer and other horrible things happen to people across the spectrum of culture and gender and every other boundary we can imagine, we all know we're going to die and likely experience illness in some way, and while no one thinks they'll get a terrible illness like cancer or hepatitis or whatever we know that it happens, the expectation throughout society is so strong that we'll have children without problems that it is all the more shocking when it doesn't happen. My phrasing is poor, in no way do I mean to suggest that I'd choose cancer or death over infertility or that they are easier to cope with, but the level of unfairness and grief is comparable for me and much, much closer to home.

The husband and I (I guess I should use a name for him, huh?) decided to stick close to home this weekend and so we're puttering around this afternoon. He's outside doing yard work and I'm organizing shelves and cupboards and making lists and cleaning things. Later on we'll make dinner and homemade margaritas and enjoy a beautiful evening on the porch. Life's pretty good, despite all the unfairness.

Silent House

Our house is so quiet! The dogs are barking occasionally at those evil invader-people who dare to walk their demon-dogs on sunny afternoons in the general vicinity of *our* sidewalk. I know, the audacity... Aside from the occasional bark though, things are quiet enough that I can hear the washing machine and the whiz of kids riding bikes in the street and the neighbors chatting. I didn't realize until just now, but I don't think I have heard those things in a month! I'm quite content having our space back. I've already put the linens in the laundry and dusted off my desk (did I mention they were staying in a room I use all the time?).

Today was a challenging day. I wish very much that my husband was celebrating his first father's day as a father-to-be, but unfortunately that couldn't be the case. We had family over to celebrate Father's Day and to bid farewell to my in-laws (they're finally leaving tomorrow!). My husband didn't seem bothered by it not being a day for him, but it makes me a bit sad. Maybe next year.

Yoga

Yesterday I finally took myself to a yoga class.
It was a great, all-consuming experience. Aside from having to refasten my hair a few times and tugging at my clothing after a few of the postures, I had to concentrate wholly on the task at hand- namely twisting and flowing into all sorts of postures while sweating copiously (and this was a non-heated class!). I am going back tonight. This may be a bit crazy since I had trouble rolling over in bed last night due to the core muscle work out, but I think it'll be good for me.

Stuck

The emotion I've been feeling most often is a sense of being stuck and trapped. I'm not sure how to get unstuck, or even if getting unstuck is what needs to happen. Maybe I just need to hang out and be stuck for a while.
This weekend was tough, I'm so done with having people in my space and I am not good at handling my frustration. I've been feeling a lot of frustration with the grieving process and all the unanswered questions I still have about the next steps. All of this combines to make me less than a bundle of fun to be around.

I really wish someone could just answer some of these questions for me. Anyone have any ideas?
-2 miscarriages in a row, not technically the definition of recurrent miscarriage, but close enough for me. Should I push my doctor for more testing?
-Does the chemical pregnancy count or not in the diagnosis of 'recurrent miscarriage'? (note: I have not been diagnosed with this)
-Do I need to wait til it is absolutely confirmed that my thyroid meds have moved my TSH to the optimal levels or is it safe to try again before the next blood test?
-Is there anything else I should do to make sure I never have to go through a miscarriage again? Because oh my goodness does that suck.
-Why is this happening to me?

Okay, so those last two questions are rhetorical, but I wish they could be answered.

Rumor has it....

The word on the street (okay, it was the front porch) last night revealed that my in-laws plan to leave on June 22! We have a date! Knowing that there's just one more week is somehow really refreshing and I think it'll allow us to enjoy their last week much more.

Last one standing

Over a year ago now two friends and I embarked on starting our families at approximately the same time. One got pregnant on her second cycle of trying to conceive. She delivered a healthy baby girl (via emergency c-section) this winter. The other woman had a chemical pregnancy after several months of trying and then soon after got pregnant. She delivered her baby this week.
I'm happy for them, I'm glad their babies are healthy.

I'm sad for me though. I feel like I don't really have anything to show for the last year. I put so much energy into having a baby and all I got out of it was one surgery, two miscarriages, 7 ultrasounds and 10-15 blood draws and about 10 very much unwanted pounds. I know it isn't about 'getting something for my efforts'... except that I feel like I'm putting so much energy into something I'm repeatedly failing at that perhaps I should just stop trying. You know the definition of insanity includes doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result? No wonder trying to conceive causes so much angst in people with fertility issues!
Yes, I have things to be grateful for; yes, in the process I've discovered health issues that needed to be addressed anyway; yes, I know, my marriage is probably better for all that we've been through. I feel like I sound greedy or like I think I deserve a baby just for trying. I know we all deserve happiness and that so very many people are much less fortunate than I am (I'm going to France this summer for crying out loud, right??). The truth of the matter is that I hate having to acknowledge how very little I can control the situation and that, quite frankly, I would happily give up all the vacations we get to take this summer for sleepless nights and being spit-up on. I think. I don't honestly know because I haven't had the chance, but I'm pretty sure I'm ready to make that trade.
I'm making progress, but boy is there a lot to sift through.

Getting my groove back

Slowly, but surely I've been getting back to normal. Having the husband's parents in town isn't exactly normal, but it does give me plenty to focus on that is not miscarriage or ttc-related so I have lots of distractions. Granted, not all good distractions, but generally I think I'm finding my way back to quite an enjoyable life. People who don't know what's gone on for me in the last few months probably think there hasn't been any particular change, even close friends and family might not think I needed to worry about 'getting back to normal', but really, as I've made progress in that direction, I realize over and over again that this is a long process and I still have quite a bit of work to do.

This weekend was great in that it was really relaxing and fun, but I also got a few things accomplished (books read, laundry done, friends visited) while not feeling like I was running from place to place. My husband and I spent some really good quality time together too. Last night I started reading "Miscarriage : why it happens and how best to reduce your risks" by Henry M. Lerner. Reading the book is interesting, but a little scary- I'm really, really hoping that my chemical pregnancy and then my miscarriage were just bad luck and that I am not going to be experiencing recurrent miscarriage. I'm quite certain I'm not that brave and strong.

I think some health progress has been made too. Last week I got blood drawn for the ninth or tenth time this year, this time to have my thyroid tested again. The results indicated that the medication I had been taking was not helping enough so the dosage has been increased. Right now I feel hopeful that this new dose of thyroid medication can help me along the path to having a healthy conception and pregnancy a little ways down the road.

Getting to know.... me!

Since I'm pretty new to the ALI community I haven't been tagged, but in celebration of the last day of ICLW this month I wanted to share a little bit about me:

Eight things I am looking forward to:
Trip to France
Eventually having a healthy pregnancy and baby
Yoga
Margaritas with coworker buddies
Hiking with my dogs
Tonight's ice cream
Sleeping in on Sunday
Taking myself out for coffee tomorrow

Eight things I did yesterday:
Spent 7 hours in a meeting
Went for a walk (twice!)
Got a massage
Came home to a delicious dinner prepared by my mother-in-law
Discovered that said MIL had re-shopped after refusing to grocery shop with me (grr)
Spent some quality time laughing with my husband
Picked up travel books about France at the library
Played with a 3 month old

Eight things I wish I could do:
Run 10 miles
Speak French
Have a flat stomach
Go shopping without worrying about money
Quit my job (some days)
Bake the perfect pie crust
Help my brother more
Increase my patience

Eight shows I watch:
Unfortunately I can't complete this. Despite loving The Office I usually forget to watch it and while re-runs of Friends are some of my favorite things ever, well, I can hardly ever find them on network television (and we don't have cable).
Instead: Eight movies I love:
Life is Beautiful
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Pretty Woman
Napoleon Dynamite
Elf
Charlie & the Chocolate Factory (the old one)
Great Escape
Magnificent Seven

Eight favorite fruits:
Strawberries
Mango
Bananas
Apples
Peaches
Pears
Watermelon
Cantalope

Eight places I’d like to travel:
South of France (this summer!)
Ireland
New Zealand
New Mexico (again and again and again)
Hawaii
Scandinavia
Chicago (never really left the airport)
Idaho for river rafting

Eight places I’ve lived (no particular order):
California
Massachusetts
Michigan
Oregon (4 different houses)
Germany

Hopes

I had high hopes for being a super ICLW participater and I certainly plan to finish strong, but two days of almost zero internet access (it was broken at home and I had all day meetings today) along with in-law craziness (really, 4 people and 4 dogs are too many for this house and my in-laws, while absolutely generous, hard-working and energetic people, are a bit much at times have led to me existing at the margins of ICLW.
Here's to hoping I'll do some more posting soon!

ICLW- What a great idea!

I'm really enjoying ICLW, I'm discovering so many lovely blogs and kind people. Thank you all for visiting and for your comments! As you can see, my blog is still in its very early stages, but I have a lot to say so it should fill up with posts quickly!

This weekend is shaping up nicely. We took the dogs for a nice walk this morning and now I'm working on the laundry (vacation generates a lot of laundry, especially vacation in a hot and humid place!) and settling back in. On Thursday evening my husband's parents arrived for a visit, so the house is a bit louder and more chaotic than usual. They drive up from the deep south- which takes them about a week- so they stay for several weeks at a time. His dad is working on yard projects and such already, which is wonderful!

What are you reading lately? I'm getting three books from the library today and looking forward to them: American Wife by Curtis Sittenfeld, Schooled by Anisha Lakhani and Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. Last week on vacation I read This Charming Man by Marian Keyes and The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. This Charming Man was much more intense than other Marian Keyes novels I've read, but definitely a page-turner and in some ways an eye-opener. It deals with domestic violence which I haven't encountered much in fiction. I loved the Secret Life of Bees for so many reasons, but especially for the wonderful community of women and the rich depiction of life in the south.

Back from vacation

We got home from 10 days in Mexico late Tuesday night and I'm easing back into work this week. It'll be nice to have the three day weekend to catch up on laundry and settling back into home.

Having so much time to relax and rest and gaze at the beautiful ocean and the gorgeous sunsets was really good. It was also great from an IF and loss recovery perspective to get away from the internet, from home, from sad reminders and such. I didn't spend a bunch of time dwelling on the difficult months we've just been through, but it was very good for my mental health to have the space to sleep as long as I needed to and to just be. Now that we're back and my body is fully recovered I'm looking forward to increasing my level of fitness. April wasn't so great for me from a fitness perspective (well, and in many other ways too), so getting back to running and adding some yoga and hiking are on the agenda for the next days and weeks.

Notes to self

This week my mental state has been much better. It is so good to be home again and to settle into a normal routine. Looking forward to a vacation that will begin this weekend doesn't hurt either!

On Sunday morning my husband and I went for a run. It had been so long since I ran I was definitely doing a little more huffing and panting than usual, but it still felt good to be out there. Halfway through the run, however, we went up along the route I'd taken on a walk with a friend the day I got that first positive test back in March. At the top of the steps I started crying and couldn't stop for 10 minutes. At first I thought I was crying out of frustration with running and struggling to breathe properly (my husband had been urging me to inhale only through my nose and I had a hard time getting enough air that way and it made me grumpy), but it slowly dawned on me that there was more to it than simple frustration. When those moments surprise me I try to just experience them. There's something that feels really powerful and real about how the sadness pops up out of nowhere and reminds me of what I've been through. It reminds me to acknowledge that what we experienced was difficult and still quite recent and I'm actually grateful for that. At the same time it shows me that life is continuing to move forward and I'm getting better and stronger and more hopeful.

For those who might be concerned that I have been depriving myself of the occasional Starbucks indulgence there is no need to worry! In fact, just this morning I enjoyed a delicious cinnamon scone and a Caffe Misto (also known as a cafe au lait). However, I'm also looking for ways to reduce my caffeine consumption (I typically drink one caffeinated beverage a day) because even when I consume only a small amount of caffeine, if I skip a day or stick with decaf for a morning I end up with an afternoon headache and that's not fun at all. Maybe I'll ease back with half caf coffee or switch to tea and then reduce from there. Adding in more water and exercise certainly won't hurt either.

I spoke with the RE's office this morning. The doctor recommends that we try again on our own after a short wait and since the chemical pregnancy doesn't 'count' as a miscarriage technically he doesn't feel that further tests are recommended at this time aside from a post-ovulation progesterone check. I think I'll do that test in June. At the same time they'll check my thyroid level since my TSH has been a bit higher than desired and I am now on 25 mcg of thyroid replacement hormone. I'm not sure if we'll try again in June or wait until later, but it is rather nice to not be trying for a bit.

Musings

Yesterday I was caught off-guard by sadness. Finally I felt much better physically and somehow that pushed me into dealing with the emotional side of the recent losses I've experienced. Today is an easier day so far and I'm glad of it.

I am not an unlucky person, but the last year would make it seem otherwise. All of a sudden there were all kinds of things wrong with me that I had no control over. I have always taken good care of myself and made wise, thoughtful decisions. My health has been good- I went to the doctor and the dentist for regular check-ups, I have wonderful friends and a fantastic, supportive family, I married a lovely, kind, patient man. Sure, I could lose weight (probably about 30 pounds or so would be good), yes, I could improve my 5k time and get a high-powered dermatologist to make over my skin and stop with my Starbucks habit. That list, though not exhaustive, is a pretty modest collection of bad habits. I was unlucky enough to be born with one blocked Fallopian tube, but I was lucky enough to have a painful ovarian cyst that helped diagnose the Fallopian tube problem. Once the problem was corrected (tube removed in December), I was lucky enough to get pregnant twice, but unlucky enough to lose both pregnancies within the first 6 weeks.

I know I'm not quite ready to face another pregnancy. At this point I would be overwhelmed with fear and worry. My doctors don't think there's anything wrong with me, just that my husband and I got unlucky. After all, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I hope that in the next few weeks I can find good luck and a good way fowrad.

What happens next...

It turns out that what happens next is that a certain blogger gets a positive pregnancy test the day after she starts her blog. She immediately cancels her blog and then takes herself off the Blogroll over at Stirrup Queens because she has done it! Things are going to be great and easy now!

Oops. Turns out that blogger wasn't reading her own writing very well. It also turns out that that blogger was me and after finally getting a positive test in early March I went on to have a chemical pregnancy and then, just to be sure I was completely convinced that someone out there is out to get me, I got another positive pregnancy test in early April. That one lasted 5 and a half weeks, long enough for two betas and two ultrasounds- we even got to see the gestational sac. Unfortunately, that ended in miscarriage this past weekend. Now I'm trying desperately to recover physically, process it all emotionally and get back to some kind of healthy and happy just as soon as I can because the last two months have been hard.
Hang in there with me and we'll find out what the next few months hold. I think I'll ask Melissa if she'll put me back on the list for now.

In the beginning

I thought having a baby was just something that happened. In fact, I thought a person just stopped using protection and Hey Presto! next thing you knew you were out shopping for children's books and weighing your stroller options. I mean, I knew that there was timing involved and such, but I was a champion charter who had been sure that with enough temperature taking that once caution was thrown to the wind and copulation occurred it was all over save for the baby shower.

11 months later and now I know that usually happens to teenagers or people who weren't actually interested in having a baby. Oh, do I sound bitter? My, my, we can't have that! So, now, with nearly a year of trying and several unpleasant tests and procedures under my belt (hah! punny!), I'm left without a specific diagnosis and only one Fallopian tube and instructions to 'try on our own for a while'.

This is my story of what happens next.