Sunday, August 30, 2009


I had my 7 dpo progesterone test this morning to check on my ovulation and whether Clomid is helping to 'strengthen' it. Apparently not so much. It was 9.6 today. Back in July, without any meds at all, it was 8.4. The doctor said that it is fine (really? the internet says it should be over 15 in a medicated cycle!), but that I could supplement with progesterone if it made me feel better.

Definitely feeling sad & disappointed & so frustrated.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Magic Eight Ball

Have any of you ever found yourselves in desperation looking for the old Magic Eight Ball you had back in middle school? The one you would ask if Timmy liked you or if Janie stuffed her bra?

Yesterday, I read a post over at 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility (if you're not reading that blog yet I highly recommend it, she's very funny and we all need laughs!). Sometimes Dr. Google comes through for us, but sometimes the good Dr. can't come up with anything that makes us feel better. That is when you have to ask the Magic Eight Ball. I've resorted to the online version since the one that my brother and I used to play with either got lost in a move or is in a closet somewhere at my grandparents' house.

Happy Saturday morning! I'm off to yoga and then to rally for health care reform.

Friday, August 28, 2009


The last two nights I've found myself waking up from bad dreams around 5 in the morning. Yesterday's left me shaken for a few hours. I'd dreamed that I was helping kids on a ropes course and in the middle securing a girl in a harness something popped and I miscarried (though apparently I miscarried a tiny dinosaur, dreams are weird). I hadn't been aware of being pregnant before in the dream (and so far I'm not aware of it in reality either). It was unsettling, but based on the dream I had this morning, I think it is more about my general anxiety and worry than it is of any predictive value.
What kinds of dreams have you been having lately?

I'm looking forward to the weekend, it has been a long and busy week!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Still in the 2ww

I'm keeping pretty busy with work, family, yoga and ICLW. So far, however, I have definitely found myself visiting ttc websites and thinking that perhaps I was a little bit hungrier than usual, or sleepier. My face started breaking out on Monday morning after almost three weeks of nearly perfect skin, so we can assume that's hormonal, but there's no real meaning beyond that.

As summer comes to a close and autumn and winter days are just around the corner it is time to dust off my baking skills and think about cooking too. This summer I've been a lazy cook. We've grilled or had salads or pasta or homemade pizza with an occasional stir fry thrown in whenever we've been home since the end of June! I want to try some new things and learn new cooking skills in the next few months. Any favorite recipes or menu planning ideas you care to share?

We plan a menu for the week and shop off of that, but I'm feeling a little bored with our standard go-to meals.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

2 week wait

Since we've been on a break since the miscarriage in late April, I haven't been through a two week wait since back in the spring. I've definitely ovulated (thanks to the OPK and the crazy mittelschmerz I've been getting) so that puts us back in the two week wait. With my short-ish luteal phase in the past, my two week waits have really been ten or eleven day waits, but this time I'm hoping that it will be two full weeks because the Clomid was supposed to strengthen ovulation and therefore extend the luteal phase. On the downside, I'll have a lot of waiting to do!

What will I do during the 2ww?
Lots of work things- there are several required after work activities to keep me busy this week. I'll definitely be doing some yoga as well. At least one birthday party is on my schedule. I will also be trying to stay away from googling my pregnancy symptoms and stalking message boards. Good thing I have ICLW to help me find interesting parts of the internet rather than obsessing over Dr. Google!
What are your favorite 2ww activities/distractions?

Friday, August 21, 2009


Just got back from the doctor and am starting to think that today is my lucky day!
-TWO follies on the right!
-Nicely sized too, there's a good chance I'll ovulate TWO this cycle- they're 16.64mm and 15.5mm!
-The follies on the left aren't there any more. Kinda weird, but apparently totally normal.
-Lining is great, healthy & happy over 9mm (I think 9.9?).
-If I don't get a positive LH surge tomorrow or Sunday morning they'll have me take Ovidrel to induce ovulation. My guess is that now that the follies are growing normally and are a good size ovulation will happen on its own, but we shall see.

If you have any extra fingers to cross for us I would greatly appreciate it!

Welcome ICLWers!

It's great to be back for another round of ICLW and I'm excited to meet you and learn about your stories this week.

Here's a little about me and what's going on right now:
-I'm in my first Clomid cycle to strengthen ovulation and increase my chances of conceiving with just one Fallopian tube.
-I'll have my tenth or eleventh ultrasound in a year this afternoon when I go in for my second mid-cycle follicle check.
-I worry too much.
-Today is Friday and that's wonderful news.
-I'm enjoying some hot chocolate because it has gone from 100 degrees to barely 70 and therefore feels like winter.
-Tomorrow we're going to a friend's birthday party. Any great gift suggestions for a 31 year old guy who loves to ride his bike, drink beer and cares about the environment and gardening?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

After Monday's quasi-meltdown, I spent some time gaining perspective.
On Monday evening I went to a yoga class.
On Tuesday afternoon I took myself to an acupuncture session for the first time since the week before the miscarriage back in April.
And of course, yesterday I finally worked up the nerve to call the doctor's office and ask some questions. I'm generally a little shy about the telephone when making personal calls- I have no problem with work phone calls, but when I have to make calls for myself, especially if they're of a personal nature I get really nervous.
The nurse was fantastic. She answered both my reasonable questions (Is there anything else that can be done this cycle to improve my chances?) and my outrageous questions (Should I worry about premature ovarian failure?). The answer to both of those questions is no.
She also reminded me that the difference in follicle size at day 11 was only a millimeter on the left & right and anything could happen at this point. She said that the response of my ovaries was totally average (sure, I'd prefer to be an over-achiever, but I don't want to have a high risk triplet pregnancy or end up with OHSS either). I know I let my imagination run away from me and it *has* been a really long road, but I'm a very, very long way from hopeless and a little perspective is really important. For now, at least, I've got a bit more (okay, maybe the caramel latte yesterday morning helped too).

Monday, August 17, 2009

Day 11, later

I spent a good part of the day feeling upset and frustrated.
However, the doctor didn't seem super worried this morning. As my husband will probably remind me later, he said 'it all looks very normal'... And maybe it is... It is only day 11, the follicles have several more days until ovulation is even expected. They grow about 1-2mm per day, that could have them at 16-18mm by Thursday (which would only be CD 14 and I have ovulated later than that before). The fact that there's only one on the right is a definite bummer, but it isn't impossible for a egg from one ovary to be grabbed by the opposite Fallopian tube (in fact, I think that happened the last time I got pregnant).

The difficulty, not surprisingly, is that my heart has been set on getting pregnant and having a baby for a very long time and we've been running into roadblocks from the beginning. After all, the month we'd decided to start trying I ended up in the ER with a very, very painful ovarian cyst and believe it or not, things went downhill from there! It's not crazy for me to think that there's going to be a problem around every corner- that's pretty much what's happened. What I have to remember is that sometimes the internet is wrong or overwrought and eventually there will not be a problem or a roadblock around every corner. Just like in all parts of life, sometimes the road is bumpy and full of traps and other times the path ahead opens up and the danger disappears and it's smooth sailing and pretty blue skies for miles. I could really use some open road.

Day 11

This morning was another delightful encounter with vaginal ultrasound technology. I think I've stopped counting how many ultrasounds I've had in the last year and a half.
Today's was to check on my follicles. The good news is that I have several. The bad news is that they're sort of small. On my right side, the one with the Fallopian tube, I have one 10mm follicle. The left side has several (at least three) between 8.5 and 11.5mm. Unfortunately, those three on the left side aren't going to do much good with no Fallopian tube. I also get the sense that perhaps this is a bit of under-performance on 100 mg of Clomid, but the doctor said it looked very normal, though a bit small if I was going to have a 26 day cycle (mine vary a bit, generally between 26 and 28 days), so perhaps this will be a bit of a longer cycle.

I feel really let down. At first I was fine, but as the morning goes on I just feel disappointed and freaked out that this is never going to work.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Working for the Weekend

The scenery was breath-taking and once you got your breath back the lavender literally floated through the air. On a dreary, grey Friday afternoon I definitely let visions of Provence and the beautiful sunshine dance through my mind!

This chocolate lava cake was absolutely amazing. The French definitely know how to make dessert. They know a few things about wine and cheese as well according to my ever-expanding ass.... Fortunately I found my way to two yoga classes this week and have plans for another tomorrow. Now for some swimming or biking to kick it up a notch!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Search terms

Well, I'm feeling more and more like a real blogger, there are even people finding this little blog via somewhat odd and perhaps creepy search terms.
I just now discovered that somewhere on the internet someone was searching using:
"between leg videos tube+doctor adventure"
Somehow I do not think they were thinking of bicycle tire tubes, but maybe?


I started Clomid on Sunday, so I only have one more dose to take this cycle.
So far there haven't been any side effects, but I hear the real fun can come later in the form of crazy-inducing levels of PMS, so we have that to look forward to.
I'm cautiously optimistic and still feeling mostly ready to be trying again. Sunday was rough just contemplating it all, but now that we're moving forward I'm feeling pretty excited and hopeful, while still fairly relaxed. This is definitely one of those times when I wish I had a crystal ball!

Pictures of the fabulous vacation are coming, but I've been away from the computer a lot this week with various other activities (yoga, house-cleaning, a great evening with friends) so it might be a little while. We're settled back into life in the US, but we certainly have some fantastic memories.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

One Lovely Blog Award

Wow! bustedtube was given a Lovely Blog Award by Kim at Our Infertility Journey.
The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I'm not sure I can come up with 15, but there are some very, very lovely blogs out there, so here's what I have recently (well, semi-recently) discovered:
Life Induces Thoughts, Mostly Random
Michelle at My Life after Loss
The hilarious 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility
I know she's already got the award, but I'd also award Kim with the Lovely Blog Award.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Well, I'll be starting Clomid sooner than I thought.
I went in this afternoon for my baseline ultrasound and will start Clomid on Sunday for 5 days. I'll have a follow-up ultrasound mid-cycle to make sure nothing funny is going on and then we'll see if it works. I'm excited and nervous, though right now I'm mostly just really sleepy because it has been a very long day of work!

How do I balance the desire to be positive and optimistic with the reality that I keep getting bad news? This is a brand new cycle and for the first time we're trying with assistance from a medication, but after experiencing two miscarriages it is very difficult to feel comfortable being positive and optimistic. We've learned a lot and my doctors are helping us treat problems so that the outcome might be better, but there's just so much that could go wrong- and so much that could go right- I'm sort of all over the map, I guess.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

I'm back! I'm sure a longer post will emerge in the next few days, but so far I've been dealing with jet-lag and trying to get back into the swing of things for a few super busy days of work.
We had a marvelous vacation, full of sun and delicious food and wine and friends. I actually feel ready to tackle the next step in building our family, for a while I was afraid I'd never get to a relaxed, ready state, but here I am! Sometime next week it'll be Clomid time...