Just popping in to say that my husband and counselor have put me on a news & internet diet and my anxiety has shot back down! I'm feeling much better and all seems to be well (no more spotting and it has now been over a week) and plenty of good heart beat checks. I know things can always happen, but I also am trying to be better at realizing that I don't always get to control what happens and when. Oh, the letting go, it is a process!
Thank you for your comments and support, it is greatly appreciated.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I know it has been ages since I posted. I've felt oddly caught between my good fortune and my on-going worries and just haven't figured out how to post what I want to say without sounding like I'm whining or spoiled or something unpleasant.
Today I'm drawn back here because I need the support of this community and hope that writing it down can help ease my fears. Okay, my irrational fears.
I'm 16 weeks pregnant, isn't that wonderful? I even had a few weeks where my worrying got much better- from the first week of November until Thanksgiving, I was doing pretty well! On Thanksgiving afternoon I had a bit of blood tinged mucus and have been thrown back into the anxiety pit ever since. I called my doctor that day and she thought it was probably due to over-exertion (I'd been standing and rolling out pie crusts and hosting 14 people for the holiday). It didn't get worse or return and I've been fine ever since. Yesterday I had a prenatal visit and a quick ultrasound and all was well. I've been able to hear the heart beat with my doppler and it's a wonderful, if totally unreal, feeling! However, since Thursday, I've been completely, irrationally terrified that I might have cervical insufficiency or otherwise go into extremely pre-term labor and lose the baby and I don't know how to stop worrying!
My doctor at the visit yesterday said that they'd check my cervical length at my ultrasound at 19 weeks (only 20 days from now!) and that there was no reason to suspect that I had any problem. I know she knows what she's doing, but I'm still not convinced. I'm pretty sure I'm just being irrational and nervous due to my history and extensive knowledge of what can go wrong. Nonetheless, I'm really struggling with how to get this fear under control, so I thought putting it out there might help.
Today I'm drawn back here because I need the support of this community and hope that writing it down can help ease my fears. Okay, my irrational fears.
I'm 16 weeks pregnant, isn't that wonderful? I even had a few weeks where my worrying got much better- from the first week of November until Thanksgiving, I was doing pretty well! On Thanksgiving afternoon I had a bit of blood tinged mucus and have been thrown back into the anxiety pit ever since. I called my doctor that day and she thought it was probably due to over-exertion (I'd been standing and rolling out pie crusts and hosting 14 people for the holiday). It didn't get worse or return and I've been fine ever since. Yesterday I had a prenatal visit and a quick ultrasound and all was well. I've been able to hear the heart beat with my doppler and it's a wonderful, if totally unreal, feeling! However, since Thursday, I've been completely, irrationally terrified that I might have cervical insufficiency or otherwise go into extremely pre-term labor and lose the baby and I don't know how to stop worrying!
My doctor at the visit yesterday said that they'd check my cervical length at my ultrasound at 19 weeks (only 20 days from now!) and that there was no reason to suspect that I had any problem. I know she knows what she's doing, but I'm still not convinced. I'm pretty sure I'm just being irrational and nervous due to my history and extensive knowledge of what can go wrong. Nonetheless, I'm really struggling with how to get this fear under control, so I thought putting it out there might help.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
More good news
Yay! I had a great appointment today!
The baby could be seen via transabdominal ultrasound (though we spent some time with the dildocam too and got some great detail). The little one is wiggling up a storm and the heart is beating along happily and steadily. Everything looks perfect.
Thank you so much for your good wishes and thoughts, it is much appreciated.
The baby could be seen via transabdominal ultrasound (though we spent some time with the dildocam too and got some great detail). The little one is wiggling up a storm and the heart is beating along happily and steadily. Everything looks perfect.
Thank you so much for your good wishes and thoughts, it is much appreciated.
Nervous
I have an appointment in 2 hours with my nurse-midwife and I've been nervous off and on for several days. Last week I felt so calm and excited, but somehow over the weekend the anxiety crept back in and I haven't been able to shake it.
I'm so thankful that we've made it this far. We've seen a healthy little one on the ultrasounds that we've had so far, that's wonderful!
Still, I'm scared that our luck might suddenly change. It sometimes does. I really, really hope that everything is still okay. Please send any good thoughts you have to spare my way.
I'm so thankful that we've made it this far. We've seen a healthy little one on the ultrasounds that we've had so far, that's wonderful!
Still, I'm scared that our luck might suddenly change. It sometimes does. I really, really hope that everything is still okay. Please send any good thoughts you have to spare my way.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Mini-Marshmallows
This morning I stopped for a hot chocolate on my way to work. Perhaps not the healthiest beverage, I do love the cheap, hot-chocolate-in-a-machine-hot chocolate (though I like the fancier stuff too!) and today it was even better because there was a little container sitting near the machine full of mini-marshmallows!
I was delighted and surprised to find these little tiny reminders of childhood and winter days sitting there on the counter for the taking. I sprinkled them on my hot chocolate and spent the morning with a smile on my face. Sometimes it really is the little things.
I was delighted and surprised to find these little tiny reminders of childhood and winter days sitting there on the counter for the taking. I sprinkled them on my hot chocolate and spent the morning with a smile on my face. Sometimes it really is the little things.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Pregnancy update
I'm 10 weeks, 3 days today and feeling great. Yesterday I had my final ultrasound with the RE and everything looked wonderful- in fact, yesterday the baby was measuring at 10 weeks 3 days already which made me very happy. Hank and I got to see it wiggle and move the little hands and feet and were both in absolute giddy awe.
Next week I'll go in for my next prenatal visit. We're feeling really positive about all of this and hopeful that things will continue to go so well. I'm finding it a little bit hard to believe, especially because I continue to feel pretty normal. I am still getting up at night to pee 2-3 times and am wearing the bella band over my pants (which button, but barely so I opted not to bother).
Next week I'll go in for my next prenatal visit. We're feeling really positive about all of this and hopeful that things will continue to go so well. I'm finding it a little bit hard to believe, especially because I continue to feel pretty normal. I am still getting up at night to pee 2-3 times and am wearing the bella band over my pants (which button, but barely so I opted not to bother).
I have so much to say and there's lots I've been thinking about with regards to this blog and to the blogging community. I'm not sure I'll be able to articulate it properly today, but the infertilty & loss blogging community is full of such incredibly supportive, caring, smart and funny people. I feel so attached to it in many, many ways. However, as I'm moving into a new stage of my life, while certainly not leaving my experiences of loss and infertility behind, leaves me pondering how I will use this space and how I can offer support and receive support from people going through so many different experiences.
At times, the sadness of the stories I've read in the blogosphere has overwhelmed me and in the past months I've realized that I have to limit my exposure somewhat or else the sad stories begin to encroach on my mind and send me to very dark places and I know for my own mental and physical health that I have to distance myself a little. That's really, really hard because I don't want to distance myself from all of you very real people and your stories. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I will try to be there as much as I can for all of you who I value so much and that I hope you know that I'm deeply grateful for the support I've received from you over the course of this very difficult year.
At times, the sadness of the stories I've read in the blogosphere has overwhelmed me and in the past months I've realized that I have to limit my exposure somewhat or else the sad stories begin to encroach on my mind and send me to very dark places and I know for my own mental and physical health that I have to distance myself a little. That's really, really hard because I don't want to distance myself from all of you very real people and your stories. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I will try to be there as much as I can for all of you who I value so much and that I hope you know that I'm deeply grateful for the support I've received from you over the course of this very difficult year.
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