Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Pregnancy metioned, 7 weeks 3 days

The news is good! So good!
Heartbeat was 163 and the little embryo is completely average sized and growing perfectly from what the doctor could tell. He printed out some fantastic little grainy pictures for us and is going to have us come back one more time, but I should also go ahead and make an OB appointment, at least that's what I got from our conversation.
When I asked he said the risk of miscarriage at this point was 'definitely under 10% and probably under 5%'- not bad, right? Not perfect, but then again when is risk ever at 0%?
We're absolutely thrilled.
I'm leaving now for my ultrasound.
Nervous, but hopeful. Oh, I really, really hope that things are going well and we get to leave the office in good spirits with a healthy embryo tucked safely inside.
Please send good thoughts, it helps to know you're out there.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

What weekend?

My business trip started Wednesday afternoon at the end of the work day and the business part will end tomorrow around 5pm. Then it is back to work on Tuesday (I'll have Monday to spend with my mom and grandpa and to fly home). Working straight thru the weekend is tough and my days have been long. However, there are two excellent upsides: I barely have time to worry and I get to meet really interesting people.
I'll also appreciate next weekend all that much more since it will be my only one until the end of October!

Boob Watch Fall 2009 continues: Definitely sore again, though it does come and go a bit. Still fuller and a bit denser and nipple tenderness continues to be present, though not as badly as it was initially (which is really good, cause that HURT!).
Again, who knows... but I do hope.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


It's been a very, very long day so you'll have to forgive me for my slacker participation in ICLW. I'll be back in full force tomorrow!
After flying into San Francisco I had a white knuckled drive up to Marin County due to the dark, my crappy directions and a rental car that probably will live on in memory as the worst rental car I've experienced in 4+ years of business travel. It has no power door locks and no power windows and it smells like a chemical factory (I think it is just cleaning product, but EWWW! I drove with the window rolled down so I wouldn't be poisoned).
At least today I've been distracted and therefore not as worried. I know there's nothing I can do either way and I know the chances are good that everything's fine. Many of you reminded me that the worry comes with the territory and that's absolutely right. I'm just going to have to deal with it as best I can- sometimes that might be freaking out and asking the internet for help, but hopefully most of the time that will mean taking care of myself and listening to good music, reading good books and enjoying all the good things in life. One day at a time.

Boob Watch Fall 2009: While they were less tender yesterday they were still achy during the night last night and still feel fuller (and veiny!). Today they were off & on tender with slightly more nipple soreness than yesterday. Right now they just feel a little bit fuller than usual. I guess that means the symptoms haven't 'vanished', but it probably also means 'oh right, I'm on progesterone supplements!'. Who knows, just another great mystery of life, I guess.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Still worried

I don't know if I just have an overactive imagination or if I'm experiencing doctor appointment/reassurance withdrawal, but I'm having one of those nervous days today.
We had a great appointment on Friday and things definitely looked good. Today though, I am worried. My breasts aren't so sore today. They were sore and achy overnight, but once getting up this morning I haven't noticed much (and believe me, I've been checking). I thought my symptoms would be increasing here in week 6, but aside from a little breakout, not so much. Am I anxious because I have reason to be or because I'm getting ready to go on a trip and I'm generally concerned about my luck with regard to pregnancy?
Either way, today isn't feeling fun.

Monday, September 21, 2009


Welcome ICLWers! I had a great time during my last round of participation in ICLW and made some new friends and found some great new blogs. I hope this is another week of fun!

A tiny bit about me- currently 6 weeks pregnant after a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy earlier this year and therefore constantly concerned that this pregnancy might not last. It's going pretty well so far, but I'm pretty good at worrying anyway. My husband, who I call Hank for the purposes of this blog, is a darling man and a computer geek. We live in the Northwest and love it here, especially this time of year! We both work too much, but like to take vacations and enjoy spending time at home or in our neighborhood with our dogs and friends.

Friday, September 18, 2009


The ultrasound was scheduled for 2:15 this afternoon, but they didn't even take me back until 2:20 or so. I was not a patient patient... Finally, the doctor joined us at 2:40ish and it was time for another encounter with the dildocam.

Today, finally, was the ultrasound we've been wishing for over the past months.
Today we saw a tiny little embryo (& a teeny tiny little flicker) nestled inside a healthy gestational sac, implanted in just the right spot. The doctor told us he thinks everything looks good and that this will be a good pregnancy for us. I certainly hope he is right!
Today is a good day. Thank you for helping me get here.

The next ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday, September 29 and, if all continues to go well, I'll be 7+ weeks along by then. Next on my agenda? Chilling out for a bit, enjoying the moment and getting some flu shots.

Thursday, September 17, 2009


We've made it to now, a little over 24 hours before the first ultrasound, for that I am so thankful.
I'm hoping and wishing and praying for good results. I know it is still so early we might not be able to see much, but perhaps just maybe we'll be able to see a tiny little heartbeat. I do feel lucky to have even made it this far.

Thank you for waiting with me, for hoping with me and for sending good thoughts this way.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

pregnancy mentioned again...

I rescheduled the ultrasound for Friday.
This means that if we get good news (and there's every reason to think we will!) we have all weekend to celebrate!
It also means that if the results aren't so great we'll have some time to figure out what happens next. There isn't really a question of me re-scheduling the business trip, but my experience with a miscarriage on a business trip last spring was so difficult both physically and emotionally that I really want to avoid that scenario if at all possible. Hopefully there will be no reason to worry about that, but if there is we'll have some time to make a plan. There seemed to be concern about me 'planning life around ttc' and I'm not quite sure what y'all meant... I'm not 'trying' right now, just hoping that I don't have to go through a miscarriage in a hotel room far from my support system (and ideally not at all), which seems pretty practical to me!

Aside from wishing I had some more symptoms, the week is going well. It's also tough to tell what is brought on by my body and what's just a result of the progesterone supplementation. I'm feeling optimistic and hopeful despite trying to prepare myself in case it doesn't work out- that's how I cope with things, always feeling better if I know how I'll get through it if bad things happen.

Ultrasound in 3 days!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Pregnancy Mentioned/ 5w3d

Wow! I made LFCA!
It was a good, mellow weekend. We worked on house projects and grocery shopped and watched a couple of movies. The weather was gorgeous and the dogs got some nice walks out of it.

After Friday's good beta I managed to stay pretty calm and stress-free most of the weekend. There were ups and downs, I'm always finding ways of worrying that my breasts aren't as sore as they were the day before etc... but mostly I was fine. I'm not having morning sickness so far, though I did have a bout of dizziness this morning and I absolutely couldn't eat the banana I brought along for breakfast in the car. It's hard to tell how much of it is mental though.

The ultrasound is currently scheduled for Monday, September 21st. I will be 6 weeks 3 days. If all goes well (and there's no reason it won't, but still, Grade-A-Worrywort over here!) we'll see a heartbeat and I'll be over the moon thrilled. One of my big concerns is the timing, I leave on a business trip on the 23rd and if there's one thing I'm terrified of after my last experience, it is having a miscarriage on a business trip. I hope everything looks wonderful at the ultrasound, but if it doesn't there isn't much time to deal with it before I have to leave.
What would you do?

Friday, September 11, 2009

Post-Freak Out

I decided to take action and stop my freak-out before it started.
Now, I don't know if this will cure me, I seriously doubt it, but it was definitely smart to get checked for my own peace of mind.
I called the doctor and went in for a 4th beta today because I was feeling so nervous about it. I know, I need to relax, but I haven't quite gotten there yet.
Today's beta was 1,919. Doubling time was 41.5 hours (averages for numbers in the range I'm in now and the one I was in on Tuesday are: 40.47 & 42.34).
This is definitely reassuring, though I'm not ruling out getting nervous again.
I can't promise anything, but I do know that having solid numbers at this point (the point at which things started going badly last time), feels good today.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


I can't seem to settle down this evening. I'm definitely tired, but also all keyed up.
It started mid-morning with feeling anxious and it's ebbed and flowed a bit, but even though I almost fell asleep while watching a movie, I haven't been able to fall asleep yet in my bed- which is completely unlike every other night this week when I've been zonked out by 10:45.

I can't decide if my body is freaked out because my mind is freaked out or if there's really something wrong. I want so much for this pregnancy to flourish and be healthy and continue to full term...

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Results Are In!

The news continues to be good.
Today's beta was a tiny bit lower than I was imagining, but still above average.
Beta: 531.7 (17 dpo)
Doubling time: 38.86 hours (It was 147.8 on Saturday at 8:15am and 531.7 today at 7:45am)
Average doubling time for betas in the 147 range: 38.43 hours
Average doubling time for betas in the 531 range: 40.47 hours
That makes me more comfortable seeing that mine falls right between.
I'll continue with progesterone supplementation and my prescription is ready to pick up this afternoon so I don't even have to worry about that!!
Thanks for all your comments of support and special thanks to Baby Hungry this morning for the reminder to enjoy it, I really needed that!

Count down to ultrasound: 12 days
Still feeling cautiously optimistic because, of course, last time my betas were fine until they weren't. However, I am going to enjoy it as much as I can.


And now the wait begins for today.
I got my blood drawn just before 8am.
They will get back to me by the end of the day.
I'm hoping for a beta above 570, but anything over 550 would probably be fine.
Thank you for your good thoughts, keep them coming!

Monday, September 7, 2009

Knowledge is Power?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much the IF community knows about what could go wrong. There is so much that could go wrong and even though I knew some of that in theory, I don't think it really hit me until my chemical pregnancy last winter. The day I got the positive test I thought my struggles were over! Two days later my grief was literally pouring out of me as I sobbed for hours.

But now. Now I know that all kinds of things can happen. Babies born too early, miscarriages, babies with problems, pregnant women who are in accidents, who have serious non-pregnancy related medical problems, babies born right on time, but born without taking a breath. Heartbeats heard at one ultrasound and then nothing at the next. All this can and does happen. And it happens to all kinds of families on every continent.

Somehow, though, we find a way to hope even amidst such knowledge. My hope is certainly alive, even though I know that good betas don't mean I'm in the clear and that it is still two full weeks til the first ultrasound and everything can change in that time. The human spirit is really quite tremendous. Last fall as I struggled through the reality of losing my tube and having not conceived in our first 6 months of trying I was as depressed as I've ever been. I felt like a failure, a disaster. I hated that I wasn't managing my struggles with the kind of grace I thought I should and that I thought would be more flattering. I don't know if I've developed grace over the last year or not, but I don't care quite so much. It is okay to feel sad and destroyed. However, the important part is that each day you get back up and do the best you can. The blogging IF community is full of such incredible examples of women doing just that, even if it doesn't always feel that way.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Beta #2

We've made it to now. Crazy, isn't it, how time just slows down when you really want it to speed up? The 44 minutes between 10am when I started expecting a call any minute and 10:44 when the call arrived felt like three hours. I finished breakfast, I cleaned up breakfast, I read an essay, I chatted with two friends online, I washed the tray in the bottom of our toaster oven, I read two blogs about spending less money, I re-freshed my twitter page...

Beta went from 59 to 147.8 in 34.93 hours which is slightly faster than the median doubling time on betabase.info (which is 35.51). It's still so, so early. At 14 dpo most 'normals' still don't even know they're pregnant.

They had to stick me in both arms to get blood this morning. I guess the vein they've used the other 23859 times this year finally had enough. I'm not complaining though! I'm trying to remain cautious, but feeling good for now.

Thank you for your kind words and support. Thank you so much for understanding the nerves and the waiting and being so kind while continuing to bear your own burdens. Please keep me company as we try to get to Tuesday and then to September 21st and many happy results. If your fingers haven't stiffened from keeping them crossed I'd love to have you keep them crossed a little bit longer!

Friday, September 4, 2009

Early Days

I was so, so sad on Sunday and it continued into Monday.
However, I had apparently not lost all hope because I woke up on Tuesday morning and decided to take a pregnancy test.

It was positive.

So was the test the next day and then the beta yesterday at the doctor's office as well. As you know, I have a TERRIBLE track record in this area, so we are trying very hard to maintain a level of cautious optimism. I'll have another test tomorrow and then a final beta on Tuesday assuming all goes according to plan. After that, if things continue well, the ultrasound is scheduled for September 21. I'm on progesterone supplements and hoping that it does the trick. If you have any fingers to cross for us it would be much appreciated.