Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Rough Day

This morning on the way to work I felt content, I enjoyed an excellent cup of coffee from a great local roaster and I thought "this, this is really good, I'm enjoying the moment and the delicious coffee, life is good".

I had an appointment at the infertility clinic to have my progesterone level tested over my lunch hour. It had been a long time since I was there, probably early May when I had the final beta hcg done to confirm my miscarriage- when my TSH level was tested last month they sent me to the hospital lab- and being in the building, in the office again was harder than I'd expected. The receptionist has been nice to me for the last few months, especially after I almost lost it in the office back in March when a consultation appointment got canceled after we waited for 30 minutes, she always remembers my name. She was just as nice as ever today, but today I realized for the first time that she is pregnant. That's right, the first person you see when you walk into the infertility clinic is an 8 months pregnant receptionist. How's that for a sick joke? It threw me off my balance and reminded me of what my previous visits to the clinic had felt like: excitement when getting betas done, nerves always, sometimes fear, shock and numbness when it was really over. I sat and reeled in the waiting room. I had my blood drawn and it turned out they were doing a TSH test again which is great, it'll be good to know whether the medicine is working. The nurse told me I'd hear about the progesterone by the end of the day, but it would be next week for the TSH.

I walked back to my car, got in and immediately began to cry. I hadn't expected this routine visit to the clinic for a blood draw to be so hard.
I went back to work, dabbing at my eyes on the drive and getting fast-food at a drive-thru since I was late, but a cloud had descended on my day. I felt trapped and sad. The clinic called with my results right around 3pm and apparently my progesterone level is normal for a non-pregnant woman (8.4), but the research I've done indicates that's slightly on the low side (one website says that they ideally want to see 10 or above), so I feel less than reassured. At a time when I'm practically ready to sign up with a palm reader just to get some reassurance this didn't really help.

As promising as my day started, it isn't feeling so great right now. My parents are out of town so I can't call my mom for support, very few friends know what's going on and my husband doesn't really know what to do to help me. I'm taking myself to yoga in a little over an hour and I'm sure that will help. One step at a time.

I did have a stroke of luck this afternoon though! When I arrived home and checked the mail I found my awesome pair of fertility socks! The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I plan to donate some socks this very evening to keep the good karma going. My socks are lovely and covered with happy polka dots!


  1. I remember that one of the nurses after Alexander was born was about ready to pop and all I could think about was A) how cruel it was to have a pregnant nurse when your baby had just died and B) how horrible she must have felt to come into the room, all full of a happy, kicking baby, to take care of a woman who was holding her dead child and in mourning.

    I'm sorry your day was so hard. The IF clinic is a blessing and a curse... More the curse when you see pregnant women after a loss. I've been there too and I'm sending my warm thoughts to you.

  2. Thanks Michelle! I was thinking about how awkward she probably felt sometimes and I bet she gets tons of questions and a few death glares from patients in troubled places. Somehow though being back in the waiting room and her presence really seemed to make for a difficult day for me. Today I'm thinking that I must have been extra exhausted yesterday because I'm feeling so much better this morning after a good rest! Even yoga didn't help much yesterday...

  3. Sorry you had such a rough day, hon. Glad you're feeling better today. Sending you lots of love!