Thursday, April 30, 2009


Yesterday I was caught off-guard by sadness. Finally I felt much better physically and somehow that pushed me into dealing with the emotional side of the recent losses I've experienced. Today is an easier day so far and I'm glad of it.

I am not an unlucky person, but the last year would make it seem otherwise. All of a sudden there were all kinds of things wrong with me that I had no control over. I have always taken good care of myself and made wise, thoughtful decisions. My health has been good- I went to the doctor and the dentist for regular check-ups, I have wonderful friends and a fantastic, supportive family, I married a lovely, kind, patient man. Sure, I could lose weight (probably about 30 pounds or so would be good), yes, I could improve my 5k time and get a high-powered dermatologist to make over my skin and stop with my Starbucks habit. That list, though not exhaustive, is a pretty modest collection of bad habits. I was unlucky enough to be born with one blocked Fallopian tube, but I was lucky enough to have a painful ovarian cyst that helped diagnose the Fallopian tube problem. Once the problem was corrected (tube removed in December), I was lucky enough to get pregnant twice, but unlucky enough to lose both pregnancies within the first 6 weeks.

I know I'm not quite ready to face another pregnancy. At this point I would be overwhelmed with fear and worry. My doctors don't think there's anything wrong with me, just that my husband and I got unlucky. After all, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I hope that in the next few weeks I can find good luck and a good way fowrad.


  1. The statistics are terrifying. I look at them sometimes and have to just step away.

    Sending you warm thoughts in your sadness.

  2. Here from LFCA. Fear and sadness are hard to get away from, aren't they? If Starbucks helps combat those things just the slightest bit, then go for it!

  3. Also here from LFCA. I'm so sorry for your loss, I've been through it myself and know it takes time to mourn and trust your body again. If misery loves company, the past year has been a total crap year over here too (4 surgeries and a m/c). I think you're going to be scared in the beginning no matter what after 2 losses, but the good news is that you now know that your CAN get pg and the odds have got to be with you at some point. Here's to the universe swinging around for us! Now go get yourself a decaf non-fat grande vanilla latte :).

  4. Just stopping-by via L&F to welcome you back to the it under these super crappy and unfair circumstances. I'm so sorry you've had to face multiple losses, and I totally agree with NoodleGirl...if Starbucks is your poison of choice, I'll order us up a few!

  5. Thank you for your lovely comments, ladies!
    And don't worry, I just finished off a tall nonfat misto and in the last week I've had two carmel macchiatos (both decaf!) :-)

  6. I know exactly how it feels to be too worried to want to move forward with TTC. It's been over 4 months since my loss at 11 weeks, and I'm still too scared to want to be pregnant again. Some people can hop right back into it, but some are like us and need to guard their hearts while warming up to the idea of taking the risk of going through all of the pain again.

  7. I remember thinking how the hell did IF problems happen to me? For many years I was terrified of the actual pregnancy b/c my mother had an awful time for both her pregnancies with being sick every day for whole nin months. Now I would take that in a second.
    Happy ICLW.
    I am a first time visitor. If you get a chance check out my non profit blog and website- we need help spreading the word.