Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Notes to self

This week my mental state has been much better. It is so good to be home again and to settle into a normal routine. Looking forward to a vacation that will begin this weekend doesn't hurt either!

On Sunday morning my husband and I went for a run. It had been so long since I ran I was definitely doing a little more huffing and panting than usual, but it still felt good to be out there. Halfway through the run, however, we went up along the route I'd taken on a walk with a friend the day I got that first positive test back in March. At the top of the steps I started crying and couldn't stop for 10 minutes. At first I thought I was crying out of frustration with running and struggling to breathe properly (my husband had been urging me to inhale only through my nose and I had a hard time getting enough air that way and it made me grumpy), but it slowly dawned on me that there was more to it than simple frustration. When those moments surprise me I try to just experience them. There's something that feels really powerful and real about how the sadness pops up out of nowhere and reminds me of what I've been through. It reminds me to acknowledge that what we experienced was difficult and still quite recent and I'm actually grateful for that. At the same time it shows me that life is continuing to move forward and I'm getting better and stronger and more hopeful.

For those who might be concerned that I have been depriving myself of the occasional Starbucks indulgence there is no need to worry! In fact, just this morning I enjoyed a delicious cinnamon scone and a Caffe Misto (also known as a cafe au lait). However, I'm also looking for ways to reduce my caffeine consumption (I typically drink one caffeinated beverage a day) because even when I consume only a small amount of caffeine, if I skip a day or stick with decaf for a morning I end up with an afternoon headache and that's not fun at all. Maybe I'll ease back with half caf coffee or switch to tea and then reduce from there. Adding in more water and exercise certainly won't hurt either.

I spoke with the RE's office this morning. The doctor recommends that we try again on our own after a short wait and since the chemical pregnancy doesn't 'count' as a miscarriage technically he doesn't feel that further tests are recommended at this time aside from a post-ovulation progesterone check. I think I'll do that test in June. At the same time they'll check my thyroid level since my TSH has been a bit higher than desired and I am now on 25 mcg of thyroid replacement hormone. I'm not sure if we'll try again in June or wait until later, but it is rather nice to not be trying for a bit.


  1. "There's something that feels really powerful and real about how the sadness pops up out of nowhere and reminds me of what I've been through." That is oh so true... So very true...

  2. Dear Busted, Yeps I know about those tears that arise from Nowherenia!

    I took a break, coz I was wanting to recover my mind, body and soul from the almost five year old pursuit, where I had my time and body ravaged again and again without any outcomes...You must enter the IF circus, only when you are mentally prepared again for that! Good Luck!

    BTW, I love coffee! I am hung on two a day!


  3. I'm always amazed by how such simple things can transport me from a fine emotional state to a teary mess in an instant. I have these baby booties Hubby and I bought when we got our first positive hpt. We were so hopeful and naive then. Every so often I stumble upon them and the waves of emotions catch me off guard.

    It's just part of the grief process, I guess.

    I'm also trying to work on my caffeination issues, but I love coffee too much to give it up entirely.


  4. Enjoy the break, they are much needed when dealing with IF. I always feel so refreshed after I come back to IF land after one.


  5. Hope you have a nice break and get the rest and relaxation you deserve.

    Mr. Shelby