Friday, June 12, 2009

Last one standing

Over a year ago now two friends and I embarked on starting our families at approximately the same time. One got pregnant on her second cycle of trying to conceive. She delivered a healthy baby girl (via emergency c-section) this winter. The other woman had a chemical pregnancy after several months of trying and then soon after got pregnant. She delivered her baby this week.
I'm happy for them, I'm glad their babies are healthy.

I'm sad for me though. I feel like I don't really have anything to show for the last year. I put so much energy into having a baby and all I got out of it was one surgery, two miscarriages, 7 ultrasounds and 10-15 blood draws and about 10 very much unwanted pounds. I know it isn't about 'getting something for my efforts'... except that I feel like I'm putting so much energy into something I'm repeatedly failing at that perhaps I should just stop trying. You know the definition of insanity includes doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result? No wonder trying to conceive causes so much angst in people with fertility issues!
Yes, I have things to be grateful for; yes, in the process I've discovered health issues that needed to be addressed anyway; yes, I know, my marriage is probably better for all that we've been through. I feel like I sound greedy or like I think I deserve a baby just for trying. I know we all deserve happiness and that so very many people are much less fortunate than I am (I'm going to France this summer for crying out loud, right??). The truth of the matter is that I hate having to acknowledge how very little I can control the situation and that, quite frankly, I would happily give up all the vacations we get to take this summer for sleepless nights and being spit-up on. I think. I don't honestly know because I haven't had the chance, but I'm pretty sure I'm ready to make that trade.
I'm making progress, but boy is there a lot to sift through.


  1. not only is it hard when you are looking at your more fertile friends, but it is hard when you are grieving the 2 babies that you miscarried. one of the hard things for us is that we've been married since 1998 and most of our friends married later and those who wanted kids got pregnant on their own schedule. not us. we tried and tried... and failed and failed... it was so hard to go to baby shower after shower and buy gift after gift when it felt like we've been married x years and they've been married x months and now are pregnant. or worse, those who werent married and/or didnt want their babies. ugh... it just was so hard. i was happy for my friends and still am, but it was so hard when we were struggling. it was so embarrassing to have to find an re and get help when other people looked at each other and got pregnant. i know the journey is hard but i fully believe that your dreams to parent children will come true.

    sending you lots of warm thoughts and good luck wishes.

  2. You can still be thankful for what you have, yet long for a healthy baby! That doesn't make you greedy at all! It makes you HUMAN! Just because you get to go to France this summer, doesn't negate the fact that you want to be a mother. You can have both. And it is OK to want both. I, also, don't think you're insane. It's a deep drive that causes women to want to be a mom and strive for it. I think you are courageous for continuing to want and to try. You went through a lot, yet you're still wanting to try. That, right there, says a lot about you. And not that you're insane.
    Sending you lots of hugs and peace, friend!

  3. Thank you both for the kind & generous support.
    I wrote this post in a moment of emotion- while all of it is true, I'm feeling it much less right now and am instead able to just look forward to a pleasant weekend. I hope you are too!