The plan, as it stands, is to continue our TTC break this cycle (easier to enjoy the wines of France!) and then try with Clomid next cycle. Hank is totally supportive and happy that IUI is not part of the suggested treatment plan at this point. I'm still waiting to hear back from the alternative doctor I emailed, but there's plenty of time to get that feedback before getting a Clomid prescription.

It was a lovely weekend and we're down to just a few days until departure for France! I was afraid France was going to be mega-hot this time of year, but since we seem to be having a massive heatwave right now, it sounds practically chilly over there!

Answers

Finally got brave enough to call my doctor's office during my work day. They're only open from 8am-4pm so it is difficult for me to talk to them (and they close from noon-1pm) with any modicum of privacy, but most of my coworkers are on vacation this week.

I talked to a nice nurse (even though she asked if I was pregnant and thus revealed that she hadn't read my file despite having it in front of her) and she gave me the test results from my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) level- my TSH has gone down nearly a whole point! It was over 3.2 and now it is 2.38! That's really good news! My medication will stay the same then and we'll hope it goes down just a bit more (under 2 is best). I asked her about the borderline progesterone test and she agreed that it was concerning that it was under 10 and said she thought checking with the doctor would be good. His suggestion (they called me back within 45 minutes) is that I should try Clomid next cycle to strengthen my ovulation and increase my progesterone level to help support a pregnancy.

Next up I'll need to talk to my husband (let's call him Hank). Hank and I will chat tonight and see what we think. Before the doctor had suggested Clomid with IUI and we weren't too excited about that, but just the medication seems like a good solution, especially if it does the trick!

While I'm still a bit worried that I'll just keep learning that new things are wrong with me (current fear: premature ovarian failure, basis for concern: nada, zip, zilch), I'm really excited to get some solid information and a plan for moving forward!

One week

Only a week to go until our vacation in Europe!

Today was pleasant with lovely weather, a nice evening spent at home with the husband and the dogs and I even hauled my tired post-work self to a nice yoga class.

The only downside is that I've been noticing a sense of anxiety creeping in. I'm worried about one of our dogs because his legs seem to be giving him trouble, he's ten and aging and it just breaks my heart to think that he's in pain. He struggled so much coming down the stairs this morning that we're not going to let him come up and sleep with us tonight to encourage him to rest and heal. He has an appointment with the vet on Saturday, so hopefully we'll be able to do something for him and feel more comfortable leaving him here while we're gone for vacation.

With that anxiety I've also noticed my anxiety about our reproductive plans creeping back up. We were thinking of giving it a try again this cycle, but are now reconsidering due to timing, but also because I'm really struggling with what the future holds. I'm still sorting through my thoughts.

Worries

There's always something to worry about, isn't there?
Today I'm concerned that I might have a luteal phase defect after all.
The funny thing about this is that last summer when I was stressing out about not being able to conceive I was convinced a luteal phase defect was the primary problem. Little did I realize that it was a Fallopian tube issue and no amount of Vitamin B6 was going to fix that problem- only surgery would help create a less toxic and blocked environment.

Now, however, with the slightly low progesterone test and it looking like this next cycle is going to start slightly earlier than expected, there's a good chance that some B6 and/or some progesterone supplementation might be just what I need. I hope I'll be able to ask the nurse this week when she calls with my TSH level- as long as they call when I'm near my phone!

I travel a lot in the fall. I'll be out of town for most of the second half of September and two long weekends in October. Any thoughts on traveling during TTC and/or early pregnancy? If the best thing to do is wait that'll mean late October/early November before we try and that seems like a really, really long time from now!

Vacationland

I've taken a few days off throughout the summer to just hang out and they are really lovely days! Today I'll be getting my international driving permit and spending some time with a friend and her 10 month old.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my alternative healthcare provider and she explained that what I experienced on Wednesday during my visit to the doctor's for a blood draw was probably shock and she gave me a remedy for that. Just having that remedy and the acknowledgment from her makes me feel more prepared and a little stronger for the next time that happens.

Rough Day

This morning on the way to work I felt content, I enjoyed an excellent cup of coffee from a great local roaster and I thought "this, this is really good, I'm enjoying the moment and the delicious coffee, life is good".

I had an appointment at the infertility clinic to have my progesterone level tested over my lunch hour. It had been a long time since I was there, probably early May when I had the final beta hcg done to confirm my miscarriage- when my TSH level was tested last month they sent me to the hospital lab- and being in the building, in the office again was harder than I'd expected. The receptionist has been nice to me for the last few months, especially after I almost lost it in the office back in March when a consultation appointment got canceled after we waited for 30 minutes, she always remembers my name. She was just as nice as ever today, but today I realized for the first time that she is pregnant. That's right, the first person you see when you walk into the infertility clinic is an 8 months pregnant receptionist. How's that for a sick joke? It threw me off my balance and reminded me of what my previous visits to the clinic had felt like: excitement when getting betas done, nerves always, sometimes fear, shock and numbness when it was really over. I sat and reeled in the waiting room. I had my blood drawn and it turned out they were doing a TSH test again which is great, it'll be good to know whether the medicine is working. The nurse told me I'd hear about the progesterone by the end of the day, but it would be next week for the TSH.

I walked back to my car, got in and immediately began to cry. I hadn't expected this routine visit to the clinic for a blood draw to be so hard.
I went back to work, dabbing at my eyes on the drive and getting fast-food at a drive-thru since I was late, but a cloud had descended on my day. I felt trapped and sad. The clinic called with my results right around 3pm and apparently my progesterone level is normal for a non-pregnant woman (8.4), but the research I've done indicates that's slightly on the low side (one website says that they ideally want to see 10 or above), so I feel less than reassured. At a time when I'm practically ready to sign up with a palm reader just to get some reassurance this didn't really help.

As promising as my day started, it isn't feeling so great right now. My parents are out of town so I can't call my mom for support, very few friends know what's going on and my husband doesn't really know what to do to help me. I'm taking myself to yoga in a little over an hour and I'm sure that will help. One step at a time.

I did have a stroke of luck this afternoon though! When I arrived home and checked the mail I found my awesome pair of fertility socks! The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I plan to donate some socks this very evening to keep the good karma going. My socks are lovely and covered with happy polka dots!

More yoga

Lately I feel like a new person. I remember the sad, stressed, grief-filled days of May and June and I still clearly remember the fear and anxiety and pain surrounding the miscarriage, but my mental and emotional state is so vastly improved it almost seems that the depressed, tense creature of recent weeks wasn't even me. It also helps that my in-laws have been gone for two weeks now and we've had a chance to get back to regular life, finally. However, I give my new yoga classes a huge part of the credit. I might sound like an infomercial, but it seems that yoga has changed (at least a few aspects of) my life. I've gone to 12 classes in the last 22 days, which works out to about a class every other day (though in reality I've skipped a couple days and then gone several days in a row) and the feeling of well-being and balance are really impressive so far. Unfortunately, I haven't yet lost 20 pounds, but I certainly feel lots better and perhaps long-term I'll also see some movement on the scale. You know, as if I ever got on a damn scale.

Tomorrow's my progesterone test. After which point we'll have all the information we're going to get before we decide when to start ttc again.