Lately I've been feeling in good balance. Sure, things throw me off now and then- learning of a new baby I wasn't aware of, getting an invitation to join my health insurance's 'healthy pregnancy program' (if that's not a slap in the face I don't know what is!), but generally I'm just feeling more well, more grounded. It has to do with having the house back and going to yoga and eating better and sunny, beautiful weather.

I love the community created in the blogosphere by ALI bloggers and reading those blogs has been really helpful to me, the support is great, having people who get it is priceless. However, the sadness out there can sometimes be absolutely overwhelming. How is it possible that some people have to suffer through 6 miscarriages or a stillbirth or loss of a small child or years and year and years of treatment without result?
Intellectually, I know the world is unfair, but never has that unfairness been brought home to me in quite this way. Even more terrible in some ways than illness, infertility has an impact on so many lives, but so many more never have to give a second thought to it- unplanned pregnancies result in healthy children all the time! Infertility is also often a private grief, something that you are less likely to have a community rally around- as people prepare meals for cancer patients or new mothers, rarely does that happen for families going through a miscarriage or a battery of IF testing.
Cancer and other horrible things happen to people across the spectrum of culture and gender and every other boundary we can imagine, we all know we're going to die and likely experience illness in some way, and while no one thinks they'll get a terrible illness like cancer or hepatitis or whatever we know that it happens, the expectation throughout society is so strong that we'll have children without problems that it is all the more shocking when it doesn't happen. My phrasing is poor, in no way do I mean to suggest that I'd choose cancer or death over infertility or that they are easier to cope with, but the level of unfairness and grief is comparable for me and much, much closer to home.

The husband and I (I guess I should use a name for him, huh?) decided to stick close to home this weekend and so we're puttering around this afternoon. He's outside doing yard work and I'm organizing shelves and cupboards and making lists and cleaning things. Later on we'll make dinner and homemade margaritas and enjoy a beautiful evening on the porch. Life's pretty good, despite all the unfairness.

Silent House

Our house is so quiet! The dogs are barking occasionally at those evil invader-people who dare to walk their demon-dogs on sunny afternoons in the general vicinity of *our* sidewalk. I know, the audacity... Aside from the occasional bark though, things are quiet enough that I can hear the washing machine and the whiz of kids riding bikes in the street and the neighbors chatting. I didn't realize until just now, but I don't think I have heard those things in a month! I'm quite content having our space back. I've already put the linens in the laundry and dusted off my desk (did I mention they were staying in a room I use all the time?).

Today was a challenging day. I wish very much that my husband was celebrating his first father's day as a father-to-be, but unfortunately that couldn't be the case. We had family over to celebrate Father's Day and to bid farewell to my in-laws (they're finally leaving tomorrow!). My husband didn't seem bothered by it not being a day for him, but it makes me a bit sad. Maybe next year.

Yoga

Yesterday I finally took myself to a yoga class.
It was a great, all-consuming experience. Aside from having to refasten my hair a few times and tugging at my clothing after a few of the postures, I had to concentrate wholly on the task at hand- namely twisting and flowing into all sorts of postures while sweating copiously (and this was a non-heated class!). I am going back tonight. This may be a bit crazy since I had trouble rolling over in bed last night due to the core muscle work out, but I think it'll be good for me.

Stuck

The emotion I've been feeling most often is a sense of being stuck and trapped. I'm not sure how to get unstuck, or even if getting unstuck is what needs to happen. Maybe I just need to hang out and be stuck for a while.
This weekend was tough, I'm so done with having people in my space and I am not good at handling my frustration. I've been feeling a lot of frustration with the grieving process and all the unanswered questions I still have about the next steps. All of this combines to make me less than a bundle of fun to be around.

I really wish someone could just answer some of these questions for me. Anyone have any ideas?
-2 miscarriages in a row, not technically the definition of recurrent miscarriage, but close enough for me. Should I push my doctor for more testing?
-Does the chemical pregnancy count or not in the diagnosis of 'recurrent miscarriage'? (note: I have not been diagnosed with this)
-Do I need to wait til it is absolutely confirmed that my thyroid meds have moved my TSH to the optimal levels or is it safe to try again before the next blood test?
-Is there anything else I should do to make sure I never have to go through a miscarriage again? Because oh my goodness does that suck.
-Why is this happening to me?

Okay, so those last two questions are rhetorical, but I wish they could be answered.

Rumor has it....

The word on the street (okay, it was the front porch) last night revealed that my in-laws plan to leave on June 22! We have a date! Knowing that there's just one more week is somehow really refreshing and I think it'll allow us to enjoy their last week much more.

Last one standing

Over a year ago now two friends and I embarked on starting our families at approximately the same time. One got pregnant on her second cycle of trying to conceive. She delivered a healthy baby girl (via emergency c-section) this winter. The other woman had a chemical pregnancy after several months of trying and then soon after got pregnant. She delivered her baby this week.
I'm happy for them, I'm glad their babies are healthy.

I'm sad for me though. I feel like I don't really have anything to show for the last year. I put so much energy into having a baby and all I got out of it was one surgery, two miscarriages, 7 ultrasounds and 10-15 blood draws and about 10 very much unwanted pounds. I know it isn't about 'getting something for my efforts'... except that I feel like I'm putting so much energy into something I'm repeatedly failing at that perhaps I should just stop trying. You know the definition of insanity includes doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result? No wonder trying to conceive causes so much angst in people with fertility issues!
Yes, I have things to be grateful for; yes, in the process I've discovered health issues that needed to be addressed anyway; yes, I know, my marriage is probably better for all that we've been through. I feel like I sound greedy or like I think I deserve a baby just for trying. I know we all deserve happiness and that so very many people are much less fortunate than I am (I'm going to France this summer for crying out loud, right??). The truth of the matter is that I hate having to acknowledge how very little I can control the situation and that, quite frankly, I would happily give up all the vacations we get to take this summer for sleepless nights and being spit-up on. I think. I don't honestly know because I haven't had the chance, but I'm pretty sure I'm ready to make that trade.
I'm making progress, but boy is there a lot to sift through.

Getting my groove back

Slowly, but surely I've been getting back to normal. Having the husband's parents in town isn't exactly normal, but it does give me plenty to focus on that is not miscarriage or ttc-related so I have lots of distractions. Granted, not all good distractions, but generally I think I'm finding my way back to quite an enjoyable life. People who don't know what's gone on for me in the last few months probably think there hasn't been any particular change, even close friends and family might not think I needed to worry about 'getting back to normal', but really, as I've made progress in that direction, I realize over and over again that this is a long process and I still have quite a bit of work to do.

This weekend was great in that it was really relaxing and fun, but I also got a few things accomplished (books read, laundry done, friends visited) while not feeling like I was running from place to place. My husband and I spent some really good quality time together too. Last night I started reading "Miscarriage : why it happens and how best to reduce your risks" by Henry M. Lerner. Reading the book is interesting, but a little scary- I'm really, really hoping that my chemical pregnancy and then my miscarriage were just bad luck and that I am not going to be experiencing recurrent miscarriage. I'm quite certain I'm not that brave and strong.

I think some health progress has been made too. Last week I got blood drawn for the ninth or tenth time this year, this time to have my thyroid tested again. The results indicated that the medication I had been taking was not helping enough so the dosage has been increased. Right now I feel hopeful that this new dose of thyroid medication can help me along the path to having a healthy conception and pregnancy a little ways down the road.