Musings

Yesterday I was caught off-guard by sadness. Finally I felt much better physically and somehow that pushed me into dealing with the emotional side of the recent losses I've experienced. Today is an easier day so far and I'm glad of it.

I am not an unlucky person, but the last year would make it seem otherwise. All of a sudden there were all kinds of things wrong with me that I had no control over. I have always taken good care of myself and made wise, thoughtful decisions. My health has been good- I went to the doctor and the dentist for regular check-ups, I have wonderful friends and a fantastic, supportive family, I married a lovely, kind, patient man. Sure, I could lose weight (probably about 30 pounds or so would be good), yes, I could improve my 5k time and get a high-powered dermatologist to make over my skin and stop with my Starbucks habit. That list, though not exhaustive, is a pretty modest collection of bad habits. I was unlucky enough to be born with one blocked Fallopian tube, but I was lucky enough to have a painful ovarian cyst that helped diagnose the Fallopian tube problem. Once the problem was corrected (tube removed in December), I was lucky enough to get pregnant twice, but unlucky enough to lose both pregnancies within the first 6 weeks.

I know I'm not quite ready to face another pregnancy. At this point I would be overwhelmed with fear and worry. My doctors don't think there's anything wrong with me, just that my husband and I got unlucky. After all, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I hope that in the next few weeks I can find good luck and a good way fowrad.

What happens next...

It turns out that what happens next is that a certain blogger gets a positive pregnancy test the day after she starts her blog. She immediately cancels her blog and then takes herself off the Blogroll over at Stirrup Queens because she has done it! Things are going to be great and easy now!

Oops. Turns out that blogger wasn't reading her own writing very well. It also turns out that that blogger was me and after finally getting a positive test in early March I went on to have a chemical pregnancy and then, just to be sure I was completely convinced that someone out there is out to get me, I got another positive pregnancy test in early April. That one lasted 5 and a half weeks, long enough for two betas and two ultrasounds- we even got to see the gestational sac. Unfortunately, that ended in miscarriage this past weekend. Now I'm trying desperately to recover physically, process it all emotionally and get back to some kind of healthy and happy just as soon as I can because the last two months have been hard.
Hang in there with me and we'll find out what the next few months hold. I think I'll ask Melissa if she'll put me back on the list for now.