Lately I've been feeling in good balance. Sure, things throw me off now and then- learning of a new baby I wasn't aware of, getting an invitation to join my health insurance's 'healthy pregnancy program' (if that's not a slap in the face I don't know what is!), but generally I'm just feeling more well, more grounded. It has to do with having the house back and going to yoga and eating better and sunny, beautiful weather.

I love the community created in the blogosphere by ALI bloggers and reading those blogs has been really helpful to me, the support is great, having people who get it is priceless. However, the sadness out there can sometimes be absolutely overwhelming. How is it possible that some people have to suffer through 6 miscarriages or a stillbirth or loss of a small child or years and year and years of treatment without result?
Intellectually, I know the world is unfair, but never has that unfairness been brought home to me in quite this way. Even more terrible in some ways than illness, infertility has an impact on so many lives, but so many more never have to give a second thought to it- unplanned pregnancies result in healthy children all the time! Infertility is also often a private grief, something that you are less likely to have a community rally around- as people prepare meals for cancer patients or new mothers, rarely does that happen for families going through a miscarriage or a battery of IF testing.
Cancer and other horrible things happen to people across the spectrum of culture and gender and every other boundary we can imagine, we all know we're going to die and likely experience illness in some way, and while no one thinks they'll get a terrible illness like cancer or hepatitis or whatever we know that it happens, the expectation throughout society is so strong that we'll have children without problems that it is all the more shocking when it doesn't happen. My phrasing is poor, in no way do I mean to suggest that I'd choose cancer or death over infertility or that they are easier to cope with, but the level of unfairness and grief is comparable for me and much, much closer to home.

The husband and I (I guess I should use a name for him, huh?) decided to stick close to home this weekend and so we're puttering around this afternoon. He's outside doing yard work and I'm organizing shelves and cupboards and making lists and cleaning things. Later on we'll make dinner and homemade margaritas and enjoy a beautiful evening on the porch. Life's pretty good, despite all the unfairness.

Last one standing

Over a year ago now two friends and I embarked on starting our families at approximately the same time. One got pregnant on her second cycle of trying to conceive. She delivered a healthy baby girl (via emergency c-section) this winter. The other woman had a chemical pregnancy after several months of trying and then soon after got pregnant. She delivered her baby this week.
I'm happy for them, I'm glad their babies are healthy.

I'm sad for me though. I feel like I don't really have anything to show for the last year. I put so much energy into having a baby and all I got out of it was one surgery, two miscarriages, 7 ultrasounds and 10-15 blood draws and about 10 very much unwanted pounds. I know it isn't about 'getting something for my efforts'... except that I feel like I'm putting so much energy into something I'm repeatedly failing at that perhaps I should just stop trying. You know the definition of insanity includes doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result? No wonder trying to conceive causes so much angst in people with fertility issues!
Yes, I have things to be grateful for; yes, in the process I've discovered health issues that needed to be addressed anyway; yes, I know, my marriage is probably better for all that we've been through. I feel like I sound greedy or like I think I deserve a baby just for trying. I know we all deserve happiness and that so very many people are much less fortunate than I am (I'm going to France this summer for crying out loud, right??). The truth of the matter is that I hate having to acknowledge how very little I can control the situation and that, quite frankly, I would happily give up all the vacations we get to take this summer for sleepless nights and being spit-up on. I think. I don't honestly know because I haven't had the chance, but I'm pretty sure I'm ready to make that trade.
I'm making progress, but boy is there a lot to sift through.

Getting my groove back

Slowly, but surely I've been getting back to normal. Having the husband's parents in town isn't exactly normal, but it does give me plenty to focus on that is not miscarriage or ttc-related so I have lots of distractions. Granted, not all good distractions, but generally I think I'm finding my way back to quite an enjoyable life. People who don't know what's gone on for me in the last few months probably think there hasn't been any particular change, even close friends and family might not think I needed to worry about 'getting back to normal', but really, as I've made progress in that direction, I realize over and over again that this is a long process and I still have quite a bit of work to do.

This weekend was great in that it was really relaxing and fun, but I also got a few things accomplished (books read, laundry done, friends visited) while not feeling like I was running from place to place. My husband and I spent some really good quality time together too. Last night I started reading "Miscarriage : why it happens and how best to reduce your risks" by Henry M. Lerner. Reading the book is interesting, but a little scary- I'm really, really hoping that my chemical pregnancy and then my miscarriage were just bad luck and that I am not going to be experiencing recurrent miscarriage. I'm quite certain I'm not that brave and strong.

I think some health progress has been made too. Last week I got blood drawn for the ninth or tenth time this year, this time to have my thyroid tested again. The results indicated that the medication I had been taking was not helping enough so the dosage has been increased. Right now I feel hopeful that this new dose of thyroid medication can help me along the path to having a healthy conception and pregnancy a little ways down the road.

Back from vacation

We got home from 10 days in Mexico late Tuesday night and I'm easing back into work this week. It'll be nice to have the three day weekend to catch up on laundry and settling back into home.

Having so much time to relax and rest and gaze at the beautiful ocean and the gorgeous sunsets was really good. It was also great from an IF and loss recovery perspective to get away from the internet, from home, from sad reminders and such. I didn't spend a bunch of time dwelling on the difficult months we've just been through, but it was very good for my mental health to have the space to sleep as long as I needed to and to just be. Now that we're back and my body is fully recovered I'm looking forward to increasing my level of fitness. April wasn't so great for me from a fitness perspective (well, and in many other ways too), so getting back to running and adding some yoga and hiking are on the agenda for the next days and weeks.

Notes to self

This week my mental state has been much better. It is so good to be home again and to settle into a normal routine. Looking forward to a vacation that will begin this weekend doesn't hurt either!

On Sunday morning my husband and I went for a run. It had been so long since I ran I was definitely doing a little more huffing and panting than usual, but it still felt good to be out there. Halfway through the run, however, we went up along the route I'd taken on a walk with a friend the day I got that first positive test back in March. At the top of the steps I started crying and couldn't stop for 10 minutes. At first I thought I was crying out of frustration with running and struggling to breathe properly (my husband had been urging me to inhale only through my nose and I had a hard time getting enough air that way and it made me grumpy), but it slowly dawned on me that there was more to it than simple frustration. When those moments surprise me I try to just experience them. There's something that feels really powerful and real about how the sadness pops up out of nowhere and reminds me of what I've been through. It reminds me to acknowledge that what we experienced was difficult and still quite recent and I'm actually grateful for that. At the same time it shows me that life is continuing to move forward and I'm getting better and stronger and more hopeful.

For those who might be concerned that I have been depriving myself of the occasional Starbucks indulgence there is no need to worry! In fact, just this morning I enjoyed a delicious cinnamon scone and a Caffe Misto (also known as a cafe au lait). However, I'm also looking for ways to reduce my caffeine consumption (I typically drink one caffeinated beverage a day) because even when I consume only a small amount of caffeine, if I skip a day or stick with decaf for a morning I end up with an afternoon headache and that's not fun at all. Maybe I'll ease back with half caf coffee or switch to tea and then reduce from there. Adding in more water and exercise certainly won't hurt either.

I spoke with the RE's office this morning. The doctor recommends that we try again on our own after a short wait and since the chemical pregnancy doesn't 'count' as a miscarriage technically he doesn't feel that further tests are recommended at this time aside from a post-ovulation progesterone check. I think I'll do that test in June. At the same time they'll check my thyroid level since my TSH has been a bit higher than desired and I am now on 25 mcg of thyroid replacement hormone. I'm not sure if we'll try again in June or wait until later, but it is rather nice to not be trying for a bit.

Musings

Yesterday I was caught off-guard by sadness. Finally I felt much better physically and somehow that pushed me into dealing with the emotional side of the recent losses I've experienced. Today is an easier day so far and I'm glad of it.

I am not an unlucky person, but the last year would make it seem otherwise. All of a sudden there were all kinds of things wrong with me that I had no control over. I have always taken good care of myself and made wise, thoughtful decisions. My health has been good- I went to the doctor and the dentist for regular check-ups, I have wonderful friends and a fantastic, supportive family, I married a lovely, kind, patient man. Sure, I could lose weight (probably about 30 pounds or so would be good), yes, I could improve my 5k time and get a high-powered dermatologist to make over my skin and stop with my Starbucks habit. That list, though not exhaustive, is a pretty modest collection of bad habits. I was unlucky enough to be born with one blocked Fallopian tube, but I was lucky enough to have a painful ovarian cyst that helped diagnose the Fallopian tube problem. Once the problem was corrected (tube removed in December), I was lucky enough to get pregnant twice, but unlucky enough to lose both pregnancies within the first 6 weeks.

I know I'm not quite ready to face another pregnancy. At this point I would be overwhelmed with fear and worry. My doctors don't think there's anything wrong with me, just that my husband and I got unlucky. After all, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I hope that in the next few weeks I can find good luck and a good way fowrad.

What happens next...

It turns out that what happens next is that a certain blogger gets a positive pregnancy test the day after she starts her blog. She immediately cancels her blog and then takes herself off the Blogroll over at Stirrup Queens because she has done it! Things are going to be great and easy now!

Oops. Turns out that blogger wasn't reading her own writing very well. It also turns out that that blogger was me and after finally getting a positive test in early March I went on to have a chemical pregnancy and then, just to be sure I was completely convinced that someone out there is out to get me, I got another positive pregnancy test in early April. That one lasted 5 and a half weeks, long enough for two betas and two ultrasounds- we even got to see the gestational sac. Unfortunately, that ended in miscarriage this past weekend. Now I'm trying desperately to recover physically, process it all emotionally and get back to some kind of healthy and happy just as soon as I can because the last two months have been hard.
Hang in there with me and we'll find out what the next few months hold. I think I'll ask Melissa if she'll put me back on the list for now.