I know it has been ages since I posted. I've felt oddly caught between my good fortune and my on-going worries and just haven't figured out how to post what I want to say without sounding like I'm whining or spoiled or something unpleasant.
Today I'm drawn back here because I need the support of this community and hope that writing it down can help ease my fears. Okay, my irrational fears.
I'm 16 weeks pregnant, isn't that wonderful? I even had a few weeks where my worrying got much better- from the first week of November until Thanksgiving, I was doing pretty well! On Thanksgiving afternoon I had a bit of blood tinged mucus and have been thrown back into the anxiety pit ever since. I called my doctor that day and she thought it was probably due to over-exertion (I'd been standing and rolling out pie crusts and hosting 14 people for the holiday). It didn't get worse or return and I've been fine ever since. Yesterday I had a prenatal visit and a quick ultrasound and all was well. I've been able to hear the heart beat with my doppler and it's a wonderful, if totally unreal, feeling! However, since Thursday, I've been completely, irrationally terrified that I might have cervical insufficiency or otherwise go into extremely pre-term labor and lose the baby and I don't know how to stop worrying!
My doctor at the visit yesterday said that they'd check my cervical length at my ultrasound at 19 weeks (only 20 days from now!) and that there was no reason to suspect that I had any problem. I know she knows what she's doing, but I'm still not convinced. I'm pretty sure I'm just being irrational and nervous due to my history and extensive knowledge of what can go wrong. Nonetheless, I'm really struggling with how to get this fear under control, so I thought putting it out there might help.
Showing posts with label medical. Show all posts
Showing posts with label medical. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Notes to self
This week my mental state has been much better. It is so good to be home again and to settle into a normal routine. Looking forward to a vacation that will begin this weekend doesn't hurt either!
On Sunday morning my husband and I went for a run. It had been so long since I ran I was definitely doing a little more huffing and panting than usual, but it still felt good to be out there. Halfway through the run, however, we went up along the route I'd taken on a walk with a friend the day I got that first positive test back in March. At the top of the steps I started crying and couldn't stop for 10 minutes. At first I thought I was crying out of frustration with running and struggling to breathe properly (my husband had been urging me to inhale only through my nose and I had a hard time getting enough air that way and it made me grumpy), but it slowly dawned on me that there was more to it than simple frustration. When those moments surprise me I try to just experience them. There's something that feels really powerful and real about how the sadness pops up out of nowhere and reminds me of what I've been through. It reminds me to acknowledge that what we experienced was difficult and still quite recent and I'm actually grateful for that. At the same time it shows me that life is continuing to move forward and I'm getting better and stronger and more hopeful.
For those who might be concerned that I have been depriving myself of the occasional Starbucks indulgence there is no need to worry! In fact, just this morning I enjoyed a delicious cinnamon scone and a Caffe Misto (also known as a cafe au lait). However, I'm also looking for ways to reduce my caffeine consumption (I typically drink one caffeinated beverage a day) because even when I consume only a small amount of caffeine, if I skip a day or stick with decaf for a morning I end up with an afternoon headache and that's not fun at all. Maybe I'll ease back with half caf coffee or switch to tea and then reduce from there. Adding in more water and exercise certainly won't hurt either.
I spoke with the RE's office this morning. The doctor recommends that we try again on our own after a short wait and since the chemical pregnancy doesn't 'count' as a miscarriage technically he doesn't feel that further tests are recommended at this time aside from a post-ovulation progesterone check. I think I'll do that test in June. At the same time they'll check my thyroid level since my TSH has been a bit higher than desired and I am now on 25 mcg of thyroid replacement hormone. I'm not sure if we'll try again in June or wait until later, but it is rather nice to not be trying for a bit.
On Sunday morning my husband and I went for a run. It had been so long since I ran I was definitely doing a little more huffing and panting than usual, but it still felt good to be out there. Halfway through the run, however, we went up along the route I'd taken on a walk with a friend the day I got that first positive test back in March. At the top of the steps I started crying and couldn't stop for 10 minutes. At first I thought I was crying out of frustration with running and struggling to breathe properly (my husband had been urging me to inhale only through my nose and I had a hard time getting enough air that way and it made me grumpy), but it slowly dawned on me that there was more to it than simple frustration. When those moments surprise me I try to just experience them. There's something that feels really powerful and real about how the sadness pops up out of nowhere and reminds me of what I've been through. It reminds me to acknowledge that what we experienced was difficult and still quite recent and I'm actually grateful for that. At the same time it shows me that life is continuing to move forward and I'm getting better and stronger and more hopeful.
For those who might be concerned that I have been depriving myself of the occasional Starbucks indulgence there is no need to worry! In fact, just this morning I enjoyed a delicious cinnamon scone and a Caffe Misto (also known as a cafe au lait). However, I'm also looking for ways to reduce my caffeine consumption (I typically drink one caffeinated beverage a day) because even when I consume only a small amount of caffeine, if I skip a day or stick with decaf for a morning I end up with an afternoon headache and that's not fun at all. Maybe I'll ease back with half caf coffee or switch to tea and then reduce from there. Adding in more water and exercise certainly won't hurt either.
I spoke with the RE's office this morning. The doctor recommends that we try again on our own after a short wait and since the chemical pregnancy doesn't 'count' as a miscarriage technically he doesn't feel that further tests are recommended at this time aside from a post-ovulation progesterone check. I think I'll do that test in June. At the same time they'll check my thyroid level since my TSH has been a bit higher than desired and I am now on 25 mcg of thyroid replacement hormone. I'm not sure if we'll try again in June or wait until later, but it is rather nice to not be trying for a bit.
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