Rough Day

This morning on the way to work I felt content, I enjoyed an excellent cup of coffee from a great local roaster and I thought "this, this is really good, I'm enjoying the moment and the delicious coffee, life is good".

I had an appointment at the infertility clinic to have my progesterone level tested over my lunch hour. It had been a long time since I was there, probably early May when I had the final beta hcg done to confirm my miscarriage- when my TSH level was tested last month they sent me to the hospital lab- and being in the building, in the office again was harder than I'd expected. The receptionist has been nice to me for the last few months, especially after I almost lost it in the office back in March when a consultation appointment got canceled after we waited for 30 minutes, she always remembers my name. She was just as nice as ever today, but today I realized for the first time that she is pregnant. That's right, the first person you see when you walk into the infertility clinic is an 8 months pregnant receptionist. How's that for a sick joke? It threw me off my balance and reminded me of what my previous visits to the clinic had felt like: excitement when getting betas done, nerves always, sometimes fear, shock and numbness when it was really over. I sat and reeled in the waiting room. I had my blood drawn and it turned out they were doing a TSH test again which is great, it'll be good to know whether the medicine is working. The nurse told me I'd hear about the progesterone by the end of the day, but it would be next week for the TSH.

I walked back to my car, got in and immediately began to cry. I hadn't expected this routine visit to the clinic for a blood draw to be so hard.
I went back to work, dabbing at my eyes on the drive and getting fast-food at a drive-thru since I was late, but a cloud had descended on my day. I felt trapped and sad. The clinic called with my results right around 3pm and apparently my progesterone level is normal for a non-pregnant woman (8.4), but the research I've done indicates that's slightly on the low side (one website says that they ideally want to see 10 or above), so I feel less than reassured. At a time when I'm practically ready to sign up with a palm reader just to get some reassurance this didn't really help.

As promising as my day started, it isn't feeling so great right now. My parents are out of town so I can't call my mom for support, very few friends know what's going on and my husband doesn't really know what to do to help me. I'm taking myself to yoga in a little over an hour and I'm sure that will help. One step at a time.

I did have a stroke of luck this afternoon though! When I arrived home and checked the mail I found my awesome pair of fertility socks! The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I plan to donate some socks this very evening to keep the good karma going. My socks are lovely and covered with happy polka dots!

Musings

Yesterday I was caught off-guard by sadness. Finally I felt much better physically and somehow that pushed me into dealing with the emotional side of the recent losses I've experienced. Today is an easier day so far and I'm glad of it.

I am not an unlucky person, but the last year would make it seem otherwise. All of a sudden there were all kinds of things wrong with me that I had no control over. I have always taken good care of myself and made wise, thoughtful decisions. My health has been good- I went to the doctor and the dentist for regular check-ups, I have wonderful friends and a fantastic, supportive family, I married a lovely, kind, patient man. Sure, I could lose weight (probably about 30 pounds or so would be good), yes, I could improve my 5k time and get a high-powered dermatologist to make over my skin and stop with my Starbucks habit. That list, though not exhaustive, is a pretty modest collection of bad habits. I was unlucky enough to be born with one blocked Fallopian tube, but I was lucky enough to have a painful ovarian cyst that helped diagnose the Fallopian tube problem. Once the problem was corrected (tube removed in December), I was lucky enough to get pregnant twice, but unlucky enough to lose both pregnancies within the first 6 weeks.

I know I'm not quite ready to face another pregnancy. At this point I would be overwhelmed with fear and worry. My doctors don't think there's anything wrong with me, just that my husband and I got unlucky. After all, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I hope that in the next few weeks I can find good luck and a good way fowrad.