Ultrasound

The ultrasound was scheduled for 2:15 this afternoon, but they didn't even take me back until 2:20 or so. I was not a patient patient... Finally, the doctor joined us at 2:40ish and it was time for another encounter with the dildocam.

Today, finally, was the ultrasound we've been wishing for over the past months.
Today we saw a tiny little embryo (& a teeny tiny little flicker) nestled inside a healthy gestational sac, implanted in just the right spot. The doctor told us he thinks everything looks good and that this will be a good pregnancy for us. I certainly hope he is right!
Today is a good day. Thank you for helping me get here.

The next ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday, September 29 and, if all continues to go well, I'll be 7+ weeks along by then. Next on my agenda? Chilling out for a bit, enjoying the moment and getting some flu shots.

Pregnancy Mentioned/ 5w3d

Wow! I made LFCA!
It was a good, mellow weekend. We worked on house projects and grocery shopped and watched a couple of movies. The weather was gorgeous and the dogs got some nice walks out of it.

After Friday's good beta I managed to stay pretty calm and stress-free most of the weekend. There were ups and downs, I'm always finding ways of worrying that my breasts aren't as sore as they were the day before etc... but mostly I was fine. I'm not having morning sickness so far, though I did have a bout of dizziness this morning and I absolutely couldn't eat the banana I brought along for breakfast in the car. It's hard to tell how much of it is mental though.

The ultrasound is currently scheduled for Monday, September 21st. I will be 6 weeks 3 days. If all goes well (and there's no reason it won't, but still, Grade-A-Worrywort over here!) we'll see a heartbeat and I'll be over the moon thrilled. One of my big concerns is the timing, I leave on a business trip on the 23rd and if there's one thing I'm terrified of after my last experience, it is having a miscarriage on a business trip. I hope everything looks wonderful at the ultrasound, but if it doesn't there isn't much time to deal with it before I have to leave.
What would you do?

Post-Freak Out

I decided to take action and stop my freak-out before it started.
Now, I don't know if this will cure me, I seriously doubt it, but it was definitely smart to get checked for my own peace of mind.
I called the doctor and went in for a 4th beta today because I was feeling so nervous about it. I know, I need to relax, but I haven't quite gotten there yet.
Today's beta was 1,919. Doubling time was 41.5 hours (averages for numbers in the range I'm in now and the one I was in on Tuesday are: 40.47 & 42.34).
This is definitely reassuring, though I'm not ruling out getting nervous again.
I can't promise anything, but I do know that having solid numbers at this point (the point at which things started going badly last time), feels good today.

Anxious

I can't seem to settle down this evening. I'm definitely tired, but also all keyed up.
It started mid-morning with feeling anxious and it's ebbed and flowed a bit, but even though I almost fell asleep while watching a movie, I haven't been able to fall asleep yet in my bed- which is completely unlike every other night this week when I've been zonked out by 10:45.

I can't decide if my body is freaked out because my mind is freaked out or if there's really something wrong. I want so much for this pregnancy to flourish and be healthy and continue to full term...

Progesterone

I had my 7 dpo progesterone test this morning to check on my ovulation and whether Clomid is helping to 'strengthen' it. Apparently not so much. It was 9.6 today. Back in July, without any meds at all, it was 8.4. The doctor said that it is fine (really? the internet says it should be over 15 in a medicated cycle!), but that I could supplement with progesterone if it made me feel better.

Definitely feeling sad & disappointed & so frustrated.

Update

Just got back from the doctor and am starting to think that today is my lucky day!
-TWO follies on the right!
-Nicely sized too, there's a good chance I'll ovulate TWO this cycle- they're 16.64mm and 15.5mm!
-The follies on the left aren't there any more. Kinda weird, but apparently totally normal.
-Lining is great, healthy & happy over 9mm (I think 9.9?).
-If I don't get a positive LH surge tomorrow or Sunday morning they'll have me take Ovidrel to induce ovulation. My guess is that now that the follies are growing normally and are a good size ovulation will happen on its own, but we shall see.

If you have any extra fingers to cross for us I would greatly appreciate it!

Welcome ICLWers!

It's great to be back for another round of ICLW and I'm excited to meet you and learn about your stories this week.

Here's a little about me and what's going on right now:
-I'm in my first Clomid cycle to strengthen ovulation and increase my chances of conceiving with just one Fallopian tube.
-I'll have my tenth or eleventh ultrasound in a year this afternoon when I go in for my second mid-cycle follicle check.
-I worry too much.
-Today is Friday and that's wonderful news.
-I'm enjoying some hot chocolate because it has gone from 100 degrees to barely 70 and therefore feels like winter.
-Tomorrow we're going to a friend's birthday party. Any great gift suggestions for a 31 year old guy who loves to ride his bike, drink beer and cares about the environment and gardening?

Day 11

This morning was another delightful encounter with vaginal ultrasound technology. I think I've stopped counting how many ultrasounds I've had in the last year and a half.
Today's was to check on my follicles. The good news is that I have several. The bad news is that they're sort of small. On my right side, the one with the Fallopian tube, I have one 10mm follicle. The left side has several (at least three) between 8.5 and 11.5mm. Unfortunately, those three on the left side aren't going to do much good with no Fallopian tube. I also get the sense that perhaps this is a bit of under-performance on 100 mg of Clomid, but the doctor said it looked very normal, though a bit small if I was going to have a 26 day cycle (mine vary a bit, generally between 26 and 28 days), so perhaps this will be a bit of a longer cycle.

I feel really let down. At first I was fine, but as the morning goes on I just feel disappointed and freaked out that this is never going to work.

Well, I'll be starting Clomid sooner than I thought.
I went in this afternoon for my baseline ultrasound and will start Clomid on Sunday for 5 days. I'll have a follow-up ultrasound mid-cycle to make sure nothing funny is going on and then we'll see if it works. I'm excited and nervous, though right now I'm mostly just really sleepy because it has been a very long day of work!

How do I balance the desire to be positive and optimistic with the reality that I keep getting bad news? This is a brand new cycle and for the first time we're trying with assistance from a medication, but after experiencing two miscarriages it is very difficult to feel comfortable being positive and optimistic. We've learned a lot and my doctors are helping us treat problems so that the outcome might be better, but there's just so much that could go wrong- and so much that could go right- I'm sort of all over the map, I guess.

Answers

Finally got brave enough to call my doctor's office during my work day. They're only open from 8am-4pm so it is difficult for me to talk to them (and they close from noon-1pm) with any modicum of privacy, but most of my coworkers are on vacation this week.

I talked to a nice nurse (even though she asked if I was pregnant and thus revealed that she hadn't read my file despite having it in front of her) and she gave me the test results from my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) level- my TSH has gone down nearly a whole point! It was over 3.2 and now it is 2.38! That's really good news! My medication will stay the same then and we'll hope it goes down just a bit more (under 2 is best). I asked her about the borderline progesterone test and she agreed that it was concerning that it was under 10 and said she thought checking with the doctor would be good. His suggestion (they called me back within 45 minutes) is that I should try Clomid next cycle to strengthen my ovulation and increase my progesterone level to help support a pregnancy.

Next up I'll need to talk to my husband (let's call him Hank). Hank and I will chat tonight and see what we think. Before the doctor had suggested Clomid with IUI and we weren't too excited about that, but just the medication seems like a good solution, especially if it does the trick!

While I'm still a bit worried that I'll just keep learning that new things are wrong with me (current fear: premature ovarian failure, basis for concern: nada, zip, zilch), I'm really excited to get some solid information and a plan for moving forward!

Worries

There's always something to worry about, isn't there?
Today I'm concerned that I might have a luteal phase defect after all.
The funny thing about this is that last summer when I was stressing out about not being able to conceive I was convinced a luteal phase defect was the primary problem. Little did I realize that it was a Fallopian tube issue and no amount of Vitamin B6 was going to fix that problem- only surgery would help create a less toxic and blocked environment.

Now, however, with the slightly low progesterone test and it looking like this next cycle is going to start slightly earlier than expected, there's a good chance that some B6 and/or some progesterone supplementation might be just what I need. I hope I'll be able to ask the nurse this week when she calls with my TSH level- as long as they call when I'm near my phone!

I travel a lot in the fall. I'll be out of town for most of the second half of September and two long weekends in October. Any thoughts on traveling during TTC and/or early pregnancy? If the best thing to do is wait that'll mean late October/early November before we try and that seems like a really, really long time from now!

Vacationland

I've taken a few days off throughout the summer to just hang out and they are really lovely days! Today I'll be getting my international driving permit and spending some time with a friend and her 10 month old.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my alternative healthcare provider and she explained that what I experienced on Wednesday during my visit to the doctor's for a blood draw was probably shock and she gave me a remedy for that. Just having that remedy and the acknowledgment from her makes me feel more prepared and a little stronger for the next time that happens.

Rough Day

This morning on the way to work I felt content, I enjoyed an excellent cup of coffee from a great local roaster and I thought "this, this is really good, I'm enjoying the moment and the delicious coffee, life is good".

I had an appointment at the infertility clinic to have my progesterone level tested over my lunch hour. It had been a long time since I was there, probably early May when I had the final beta hcg done to confirm my miscarriage- when my TSH level was tested last month they sent me to the hospital lab- and being in the building, in the office again was harder than I'd expected. The receptionist has been nice to me for the last few months, especially after I almost lost it in the office back in March when a consultation appointment got canceled after we waited for 30 minutes, she always remembers my name. She was just as nice as ever today, but today I realized for the first time that she is pregnant. That's right, the first person you see when you walk into the infertility clinic is an 8 months pregnant receptionist. How's that for a sick joke? It threw me off my balance and reminded me of what my previous visits to the clinic had felt like: excitement when getting betas done, nerves always, sometimes fear, shock and numbness when it was really over. I sat and reeled in the waiting room. I had my blood drawn and it turned out they were doing a TSH test again which is great, it'll be good to know whether the medicine is working. The nurse told me I'd hear about the progesterone by the end of the day, but it would be next week for the TSH.

I walked back to my car, got in and immediately began to cry. I hadn't expected this routine visit to the clinic for a blood draw to be so hard.
I went back to work, dabbing at my eyes on the drive and getting fast-food at a drive-thru since I was late, but a cloud had descended on my day. I felt trapped and sad. The clinic called with my results right around 3pm and apparently my progesterone level is normal for a non-pregnant woman (8.4), but the research I've done indicates that's slightly on the low side (one website says that they ideally want to see 10 or above), so I feel less than reassured. At a time when I'm practically ready to sign up with a palm reader just to get some reassurance this didn't really help.

As promising as my day started, it isn't feeling so great right now. My parents are out of town so I can't call my mom for support, very few friends know what's going on and my husband doesn't really know what to do to help me. I'm taking myself to yoga in a little over an hour and I'm sure that will help. One step at a time.

I did have a stroke of luck this afternoon though! When I arrived home and checked the mail I found my awesome pair of fertility socks! The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I plan to donate some socks this very evening to keep the good karma going. My socks are lovely and covered with happy polka dots!

More yoga

Lately I feel like a new person. I remember the sad, stressed, grief-filled days of May and June and I still clearly remember the fear and anxiety and pain surrounding the miscarriage, but my mental and emotional state is so vastly improved it almost seems that the depressed, tense creature of recent weeks wasn't even me. It also helps that my in-laws have been gone for two weeks now and we've had a chance to get back to regular life, finally. However, I give my new yoga classes a huge part of the credit. I might sound like an infomercial, but it seems that yoga has changed (at least a few aspects of) my life. I've gone to 12 classes in the last 22 days, which works out to about a class every other day (though in reality I've skipped a couple days and then gone several days in a row) and the feeling of well-being and balance are really impressive so far. Unfortunately, I haven't yet lost 20 pounds, but I certainly feel lots better and perhaps long-term I'll also see some movement on the scale. You know, as if I ever got on a damn scale.

Tomorrow's my progesterone test. After which point we'll have all the information we're going to get before we decide when to start ttc again.

Getting my groove back

Slowly, but surely I've been getting back to normal. Having the husband's parents in town isn't exactly normal, but it does give me plenty to focus on that is not miscarriage or ttc-related so I have lots of distractions. Granted, not all good distractions, but generally I think I'm finding my way back to quite an enjoyable life. People who don't know what's gone on for me in the last few months probably think there hasn't been any particular change, even close friends and family might not think I needed to worry about 'getting back to normal', but really, as I've made progress in that direction, I realize over and over again that this is a long process and I still have quite a bit of work to do.

This weekend was great in that it was really relaxing and fun, but I also got a few things accomplished (books read, laundry done, friends visited) while not feeling like I was running from place to place. My husband and I spent some really good quality time together too. Last night I started reading "Miscarriage : why it happens and how best to reduce your risks" by Henry M. Lerner. Reading the book is interesting, but a little scary- I'm really, really hoping that my chemical pregnancy and then my miscarriage were just bad luck and that I am not going to be experiencing recurrent miscarriage. I'm quite certain I'm not that brave and strong.

I think some health progress has been made too. Last week I got blood drawn for the ninth or tenth time this year, this time to have my thyroid tested again. The results indicated that the medication I had been taking was not helping enough so the dosage has been increased. Right now I feel hopeful that this new dose of thyroid medication can help me along the path to having a healthy conception and pregnancy a little ways down the road.

Musings

Yesterday I was caught off-guard by sadness. Finally I felt much better physically and somehow that pushed me into dealing with the emotional side of the recent losses I've experienced. Today is an easier day so far and I'm glad of it.

I am not an unlucky person, but the last year would make it seem otherwise. All of a sudden there were all kinds of things wrong with me that I had no control over. I have always taken good care of myself and made wise, thoughtful decisions. My health has been good- I went to the doctor and the dentist for regular check-ups, I have wonderful friends and a fantastic, supportive family, I married a lovely, kind, patient man. Sure, I could lose weight (probably about 30 pounds or so would be good), yes, I could improve my 5k time and get a high-powered dermatologist to make over my skin and stop with my Starbucks habit. That list, though not exhaustive, is a pretty modest collection of bad habits. I was unlucky enough to be born with one blocked Fallopian tube, but I was lucky enough to have a painful ovarian cyst that helped diagnose the Fallopian tube problem. Once the problem was corrected (tube removed in December), I was lucky enough to get pregnant twice, but unlucky enough to lose both pregnancies within the first 6 weeks.

I know I'm not quite ready to face another pregnancy. At this point I would be overwhelmed with fear and worry. My doctors don't think there's anything wrong with me, just that my husband and I got unlucky. After all, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I hope that in the next few weeks I can find good luck and a good way fowrad.