Lately I feel like a new person. I remember the sad, stressed, grief-filled days of May and June and I still clearly remember the fear and anxiety and pain surrounding the miscarriage, but my mental and emotional state is so vastly improved it almost seems that the depressed, tense creature of recent weeks wasn't even me. It also helps that my in-laws have been gone for two weeks now and we've had a chance to get back to regular life, finally. However, I give my new yoga classes a huge part of the credit. I might sound like an infomercial, but it seems that yoga has changed (at least a few aspects of) my life. I've gone to 12 classes in the last 22 days, which works out to about a class every other day (though in reality I've skipped a couple days and then gone several days in a row) and the feeling of well-being and balance are really impressive so far. Unfortunately, I haven't yet lost 20 pounds, but I certainly feel lots better and perhaps long-term I'll also see some movement on the scale. You know, as if I ever got on a damn scale.
Tomorrow's my progesterone test. After which point we'll have all the information we're going to get before we decide when to start ttc again.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Lately I've been feeling in good balance. Sure, things throw me off now and then- learning of a new baby I wasn't aware of, getting an invitation to join my health insurance's 'healthy pregnancy program' (if that's not a slap in the face I don't know what is!), but generally I'm just feeling more well, more grounded. It has to do with having the house back and going to yoga and eating better and sunny, beautiful weather.
I love the community created in the blogosphere by ALI bloggers and reading those blogs has been really helpful to me, the support is great, having people who get it is priceless. However, the sadness out there can sometimes be absolutely overwhelming. How is it possible that some people have to suffer through 6 miscarriages or a stillbirth or loss of a small child or years and year and years of treatment without result?
Intellectually, I know the world is unfair, but never has that unfairness been brought home to me in quite this way. Even more terrible in some ways than illness, infertility has an impact on so many lives, but so many more never have to give a second thought to it- unplanned pregnancies result in healthy children all the time! Infertility is also often a private grief, something that you are less likely to have a community rally around- as people prepare meals for cancer patients or new mothers, rarely does that happen for families going through a miscarriage or a battery of IF testing.
Cancer and other horrible things happen to people across the spectrum of culture and gender and every other boundary we can imagine, we all know we're going to die and likely experience illness in some way, and while no one thinks they'll get a terrible illness like cancer or hepatitis or whatever we know that it happens, the expectation throughout society is so strong that we'll have children without problems that it is all the more shocking when it doesn't happen. My phrasing is poor, in no way do I mean to suggest that I'd choose cancer or death over infertility or that they are easier to cope with, but the level of unfairness and grief is comparable for me and much, much closer to home.
The husband and I (I guess I should use a name for him, huh?) decided to stick close to home this weekend and so we're puttering around this afternoon. He's outside doing yard work and I'm organizing shelves and cupboards and making lists and cleaning things. Later on we'll make dinner and homemade margaritas and enjoy a beautiful evening on the porch. Life's pretty good, despite all the unfairness.
I love the community created in the blogosphere by ALI bloggers and reading those blogs has been really helpful to me, the support is great, having people who get it is priceless. However, the sadness out there can sometimes be absolutely overwhelming. How is it possible that some people have to suffer through 6 miscarriages or a stillbirth or loss of a small child or years and year and years of treatment without result?
Intellectually, I know the world is unfair, but never has that unfairness been brought home to me in quite this way. Even more terrible in some ways than illness, infertility has an impact on so many lives, but so many more never have to give a second thought to it- unplanned pregnancies result in healthy children all the time! Infertility is also often a private grief, something that you are less likely to have a community rally around- as people prepare meals for cancer patients or new mothers, rarely does that happen for families going through a miscarriage or a battery of IF testing.
Cancer and other horrible things happen to people across the spectrum of culture and gender and every other boundary we can imagine, we all know we're going to die and likely experience illness in some way, and while no one thinks they'll get a terrible illness like cancer or hepatitis or whatever we know that it happens, the expectation throughout society is so strong that we'll have children without problems that it is all the more shocking when it doesn't happen. My phrasing is poor, in no way do I mean to suggest that I'd choose cancer or death over infertility or that they are easier to cope with, but the level of unfairness and grief is comparable for me and much, much closer to home.
The husband and I (I guess I should use a name for him, huh?) decided to stick close to home this weekend and so we're puttering around this afternoon. He's outside doing yard work and I'm organizing shelves and cupboards and making lists and cleaning things. Later on we'll make dinner and homemade margaritas and enjoy a beautiful evening on the porch. Life's pretty good, despite all the unfairness.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Silent House
Our house is so quiet! The dogs are barking occasionally at those evil invader-people who dare to walk their demon-dogs on sunny afternoons in the general vicinity of *our* sidewalk. I know, the audacity... Aside from the occasional bark though, things are quiet enough that I can hear the washing machine and the whiz of kids riding bikes in the street and the neighbors chatting. I didn't realize until just now, but I don't think I have heard those things in a month! I'm quite content having our space back. I've already put the linens in the laundry and dusted off my desk (did I mention they were staying in a room I use all the time?).
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Today was a challenging day. I wish very much that my husband was celebrating his first father's day as a father-to-be, but unfortunately that couldn't be the case. We had family over to celebrate Father's Day and to bid farewell to my in-laws (they're finally leaving tomorrow!). My husband didn't seem bothered by it not being a day for him, but it makes me a bit sad. Maybe next year.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Yoga
Yesterday I finally took myself to a yoga class.
It was a great, all-consuming experience. Aside from having to refasten my hair a few times and tugging at my clothing after a few of the postures, I had to concentrate wholly on the task at hand- namely twisting and flowing into all sorts of postures while sweating copiously (and this was a non-heated class!). I am going back tonight. This may be a bit crazy since I had trouble rolling over in bed last night due to the core muscle work out, but I think it'll be good for me.
It was a great, all-consuming experience. Aside from having to refasten my hair a few times and tugging at my clothing after a few of the postures, I had to concentrate wholly on the task at hand- namely twisting and flowing into all sorts of postures while sweating copiously (and this was a non-heated class!). I am going back tonight. This may be a bit crazy since I had trouble rolling over in bed last night due to the core muscle work out, but I think it'll be good for me.
Stuck
The emotion I've been feeling most often is a sense of being stuck and trapped. I'm not sure how to get unstuck, or even if getting unstuck is what needs to happen. Maybe I just need to hang out and be stuck for a while.
This weekend was tough, I'm so done with having people in my space and I am not good at handling my frustration. I've been feeling a lot of frustration with the grieving process and all the unanswered questions I still have about the next steps. All of this combines to make me less than a bundle of fun to be around.
I really wish someone could just answer some of these questions for me. Anyone have any ideas?
-2 miscarriages in a row, not technically the definition of recurrent miscarriage, but close enough for me. Should I push my doctor for more testing?
-Does the chemical pregnancy count or not in the diagnosis of 'recurrent miscarriage'? (note: I have not been diagnosed with this)
-Do I need to wait til it is absolutely confirmed that my thyroid meds have moved my TSH to the optimal levels or is it safe to try again before the next blood test?
-Is there anything else I should do to make sure I never have to go through a miscarriage again? Because oh my goodness does that suck.
-Why is this happening to me?
Okay, so those last two questions are rhetorical, but I wish they could be answered.
This weekend was tough, I'm so done with having people in my space and I am not good at handling my frustration. I've been feeling a lot of frustration with the grieving process and all the unanswered questions I still have about the next steps. All of this combines to make me less than a bundle of fun to be around.
I really wish someone could just answer some of these questions for me. Anyone have any ideas?
-2 miscarriages in a row, not technically the definition of recurrent miscarriage, but close enough for me. Should I push my doctor for more testing?
-Does the chemical pregnancy count or not in the diagnosis of 'recurrent miscarriage'? (note: I have not been diagnosed with this)
-Do I need to wait til it is absolutely confirmed that my thyroid meds have moved my TSH to the optimal levels or is it safe to try again before the next blood test?
-Is there anything else I should do to make sure I never have to go through a miscarriage again? Because oh my goodness does that suck.
-Why is this happening to me?
Okay, so those last two questions are rhetorical, but I wish they could be answered.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Rumor has it....
The word on the street (okay, it was the front porch) last night revealed that my in-laws plan to leave on June 22! We have a date! Knowing that there's just one more week is somehow really refreshing and I think it'll allow us to enjoy their last week much more.
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