Last one standing

Over a year ago now two friends and I embarked on starting our families at approximately the same time. One got pregnant on her second cycle of trying to conceive. She delivered a healthy baby girl (via emergency c-section) this winter. The other woman had a chemical pregnancy after several months of trying and then soon after got pregnant. She delivered her baby this week.
I'm happy for them, I'm glad their babies are healthy.

I'm sad for me though. I feel like I don't really have anything to show for the last year. I put so much energy into having a baby and all I got out of it was one surgery, two miscarriages, 7 ultrasounds and 10-15 blood draws and about 10 very much unwanted pounds. I know it isn't about 'getting something for my efforts'... except that I feel like I'm putting so much energy into something I'm repeatedly failing at that perhaps I should just stop trying. You know the definition of insanity includes doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result? No wonder trying to conceive causes so much angst in people with fertility issues!
Yes, I have things to be grateful for; yes, in the process I've discovered health issues that needed to be addressed anyway; yes, I know, my marriage is probably better for all that we've been through. I feel like I sound greedy or like I think I deserve a baby just for trying. I know we all deserve happiness and that so very many people are much less fortunate than I am (I'm going to France this summer for crying out loud, right??). The truth of the matter is that I hate having to acknowledge how very little I can control the situation and that, quite frankly, I would happily give up all the vacations we get to take this summer for sleepless nights and being spit-up on. I think. I don't honestly know because I haven't had the chance, but I'm pretty sure I'm ready to make that trade.
I'm making progress, but boy is there a lot to sift through.

Getting my groove back

Slowly, but surely I've been getting back to normal. Having the husband's parents in town isn't exactly normal, but it does give me plenty to focus on that is not miscarriage or ttc-related so I have lots of distractions. Granted, not all good distractions, but generally I think I'm finding my way back to quite an enjoyable life. People who don't know what's gone on for me in the last few months probably think there hasn't been any particular change, even close friends and family might not think I needed to worry about 'getting back to normal', but really, as I've made progress in that direction, I realize over and over again that this is a long process and I still have quite a bit of work to do.

This weekend was great in that it was really relaxing and fun, but I also got a few things accomplished (books read, laundry done, friends visited) while not feeling like I was running from place to place. My husband and I spent some really good quality time together too. Last night I started reading "Miscarriage : why it happens and how best to reduce your risks" by Henry M. Lerner. Reading the book is interesting, but a little scary- I'm really, really hoping that my chemical pregnancy and then my miscarriage were just bad luck and that I am not going to be experiencing recurrent miscarriage. I'm quite certain I'm not that brave and strong.

I think some health progress has been made too. Last week I got blood drawn for the ninth or tenth time this year, this time to have my thyroid tested again. The results indicated that the medication I had been taking was not helping enough so the dosage has been increased. Right now I feel hopeful that this new dose of thyroid medication can help me along the path to having a healthy conception and pregnancy a little ways down the road.

Getting to know.... me!

Since I'm pretty new to the ALI community I haven't been tagged, but in celebration of the last day of ICLW this month I wanted to share a little bit about me:

Eight things I am looking forward to:
Trip to France
Eventually having a healthy pregnancy and baby
Yoga
Margaritas with coworker buddies
Hiking with my dogs
Tonight's ice cream
Sleeping in on Sunday
Taking myself out for coffee tomorrow

Eight things I did yesterday:
Spent 7 hours in a meeting
Went for a walk (twice!)
Got a massage
Came home to a delicious dinner prepared by my mother-in-law
Discovered that said MIL had re-shopped after refusing to grocery shop with me (grr)
Spent some quality time laughing with my husband
Picked up travel books about France at the library
Played with a 3 month old

Eight things I wish I could do:
Run 10 miles
Speak French
Have a flat stomach
Go shopping without worrying about money
Quit my job (some days)
Bake the perfect pie crust
Help my brother more
Increase my patience

Eight shows I watch:
Unfortunately I can't complete this. Despite loving The Office I usually forget to watch it and while re-runs of Friends are some of my favorite things ever, well, I can hardly ever find them on network television (and we don't have cable).
Instead: Eight movies I love:
Life is Beautiful
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Pretty Woman
Napoleon Dynamite
Elf
Charlie & the Chocolate Factory (the old one)
Great Escape
Magnificent Seven

Eight favorite fruits:
Strawberries
Mango
Bananas
Apples
Peaches
Pears
Watermelon
Cantalope

Eight places I’d like to travel:
South of France (this summer!)
Ireland
New Zealand
New Mexico (again and again and again)
Hawaii
Scandinavia
Chicago (never really left the airport)
Idaho for river rafting

Eight places I’ve lived (no particular order):
California
Massachusetts
Michigan
Oregon (4 different houses)
Germany

Hopes

I had high hopes for being a super ICLW participater and I certainly plan to finish strong, but two days of almost zero internet access (it was broken at home and I had all day meetings today) along with in-law craziness (really, 4 people and 4 dogs are too many for this house and my in-laws, while absolutely generous, hard-working and energetic people, are a bit much at times have led to me existing at the margins of ICLW.
Here's to hoping I'll do some more posting soon!

ICLW- What a great idea!

I'm really enjoying ICLW, I'm discovering so many lovely blogs and kind people. Thank you all for visiting and for your comments! As you can see, my blog is still in its very early stages, but I have a lot to say so it should fill up with posts quickly!

This weekend is shaping up nicely. We took the dogs for a nice walk this morning and now I'm working on the laundry (vacation generates a lot of laundry, especially vacation in a hot and humid place!) and settling back in. On Thursday evening my husband's parents arrived for a visit, so the house is a bit louder and more chaotic than usual. They drive up from the deep south- which takes them about a week- so they stay for several weeks at a time. His dad is working on yard projects and such already, which is wonderful!

What are you reading lately? I'm getting three books from the library today and looking forward to them: American Wife by Curtis Sittenfeld, Schooled by Anisha Lakhani and Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. Last week on vacation I read This Charming Man by Marian Keyes and The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. This Charming Man was much more intense than other Marian Keyes novels I've read, but definitely a page-turner and in some ways an eye-opener. It deals with domestic violence which I haven't encountered much in fiction. I loved the Secret Life of Bees for so many reasons, but especially for the wonderful community of women and the rich depiction of life in the south.

Back from vacation

We got home from 10 days in Mexico late Tuesday night and I'm easing back into work this week. It'll be nice to have the three day weekend to catch up on laundry and settling back into home.

Having so much time to relax and rest and gaze at the beautiful ocean and the gorgeous sunsets was really good. It was also great from an IF and loss recovery perspective to get away from the internet, from home, from sad reminders and such. I didn't spend a bunch of time dwelling on the difficult months we've just been through, but it was very good for my mental health to have the space to sleep as long as I needed to and to just be. Now that we're back and my body is fully recovered I'm looking forward to increasing my level of fitness. April wasn't so great for me from a fitness perspective (well, and in many other ways too), so getting back to running and adding some yoga and hiking are on the agenda for the next days and weeks.

Notes to self

This week my mental state has been much better. It is so good to be home again and to settle into a normal routine. Looking forward to a vacation that will begin this weekend doesn't hurt either!

On Sunday morning my husband and I went for a run. It had been so long since I ran I was definitely doing a little more huffing and panting than usual, but it still felt good to be out there. Halfway through the run, however, we went up along the route I'd taken on a walk with a friend the day I got that first positive test back in March. At the top of the steps I started crying and couldn't stop for 10 minutes. At first I thought I was crying out of frustration with running and struggling to breathe properly (my husband had been urging me to inhale only through my nose and I had a hard time getting enough air that way and it made me grumpy), but it slowly dawned on me that there was more to it than simple frustration. When those moments surprise me I try to just experience them. There's something that feels really powerful and real about how the sadness pops up out of nowhere and reminds me of what I've been through. It reminds me to acknowledge that what we experienced was difficult and still quite recent and I'm actually grateful for that. At the same time it shows me that life is continuing to move forward and I'm getting better and stronger and more hopeful.

For those who might be concerned that I have been depriving myself of the occasional Starbucks indulgence there is no need to worry! In fact, just this morning I enjoyed a delicious cinnamon scone and a Caffe Misto (also known as a cafe au lait). However, I'm also looking for ways to reduce my caffeine consumption (I typically drink one caffeinated beverage a day) because even when I consume only a small amount of caffeine, if I skip a day or stick with decaf for a morning I end up with an afternoon headache and that's not fun at all. Maybe I'll ease back with half caf coffee or switch to tea and then reduce from there. Adding in more water and exercise certainly won't hurt either.

I spoke with the RE's office this morning. The doctor recommends that we try again on our own after a short wait and since the chemical pregnancy doesn't 'count' as a miscarriage technically he doesn't feel that further tests are recommended at this time aside from a post-ovulation progesterone check. I think I'll do that test in June. At the same time they'll check my thyroid level since my TSH has been a bit higher than desired and I am now on 25 mcg of thyroid replacement hormone. I'm not sure if we'll try again in June or wait until later, but it is rather nice to not be trying for a bit.